I was a victim advocate — I spent about 2000 hours on-call to go to crime scenes and comfort families. I sometimes had to prepare people who had just lost a loved one, or who had just experienced domestic violence or sexual assault, for the lack of empathy they might experience from their closest associates and even from other family members. It’s awful, and it comes from exactly what you say: A fear that bad things may happen to them, which is sublimated into an illusory kind of control that comes from aggressively shaming absolutely anyone, living or dead, who makes any mistake whatsoever that results in a bad thing happening.

People can be absolutely awful when they’re afraid. One of my colleagues told me about a case where she had to separate a teenage sexual assault survivor from her own parents who were berating her in the hospital waiting room. Of course, I suspect the parents probably broke down in tears as soon as nobody was looking, because the anger they were experiencing was actually shame and guilt that a bad thing had happened to their child and they hadn’t filled her with enough good advice to prevent anything bad from ever happening to her.

One of my personal mantras is: Remember that we assign “right” or “wrong” to decisions only after we know the outcome.

Someone who uses heroin and dies is a “junkie” after we know the outcome.

Someone who uses heroin and makes arguably the greatest rock album of all time is a “tortured genius” after we know the outcome. (Even if he also died.)

Someone who won’t give up on his business idea when nobody wants to buy, and sells cereal to keep the lights on, but ultimately fails, is a “stubborn idiot” after we know the outcome.

Someone who won’t give up on his business idea when nobody wants to buy, and sells cereal to keep the lights on, and ends up as the head of AirBnB, is a “visionary” after we know the outcome.

We are not in control of the outcomes of our decisions. The best anyone can do is their best. We could all stand to be a little less committed to the illusion of control, and a little less committed to infecting others with the same illusion. We’re all just primates standing on a big blue rock hurtling through the sky.