I'm just writing

I'm writing because something this morning told me it was necessary. I'm writing because I was lost in thought when I rode the 6 AM train into the city. I half assed my morning workout as I have been doing the last 4 months and rushed out to grab a coffee in the nearby cafe. I'm writing this all while still wearing my mildly sweaty clothes.

I’m writing because I’m swimming in a pool of emotions. I'm not writing to seek attention. I'm not writing to solve a particular problem. And I'm not writing this for the joy of writing.

I'm writing because I need to write.

If you asked me 2 years ago where I imagine I'd be today, I would probably give you an answer that describe the life I'm living now. I currently work in a creative job in a very progressive city, have a good network of friends and colleagues, and found a partner I truly love.

I'm not writing to share a story that negate all the positives I just mentioned. I did not get laid off nor did I get shunned from my circle of friends. And thank goodness my boyfriend and I did not break up.

So, what gives? What's the deal with all these emotions and the need to write this?

I'm still writing and I'm still figuring it out.

My thoughts have been shifting left and right, up and down, and goddammit I’m distracted by all the things.

One minute I'm feeling positive, hopeful, ambitious, and the sun is shining. Look at all the opportunities presented before me. I can do it all! The next minute I'm feeling impatient, resentful, and especially guilty for possessing all these negative thoughts. I'm disheartened by every little fallen leaf and the world looks bleak.

Dear God, have I got crazy?

Or, am I just human?

I feel exposed just sharing these thoughts out loud. Out on the internet? But hell, better out than in I suppose. I'm not sure how I end a post like this so I'm just going to make this my last sentence.