How to Forgive and Let Go of Pain

How I was able to let go of a lot of sadness, anger and pain and forgive.
I hate reading things that make me go through 500 pages to read a single page. It seems kind of selfish so I’ll just put it at the top and then give context so you understand what I went through to be able to be free, free of crazy, free of pain and free of darkness.
I call it Upaya, my new company I’m still in the process of getting up and running. It’s based on my own walk out of hell and misery which I lived in since I was a teenager. I know what awful is and can be. I believe we are divine beings, points of light and energy traveling through space and time on a ball through the galaxy. And when we keep our groove going it clears out the past to create a new present which ultimately is the healing. It is not easy, because that fucking mind of ours is powerful and likes to be in charge and leads us straight to our demise. I’ve been able to rise above it and make it my stallion more days of the week than ever. Below is a simple list of how I do it. And bare in mind, I have experienced chronic pain in my body and anguish in ways it was hard to understand. If it works for me, I know it will for you.
- Get yourself some help, natural medicine. Fuck all the pharmaceutical and traditional hospitals. They’re in the business of suffering and poison for profit. My choice is CBD. And this one, by my friends, the Stanley Brothers of Charlottes Web.
- Excercise 25 minutes a day, every day. I like Shawn T a lot. He gets to the point with his T25 and he’s got a great personality and sense of humor and is kind. As long as you feel good, pick any program out there, just do it.
- Read and listen to great spiritual teachers and apply their lessons. My favorites and go to’s are Ram Dass, Terence McKenna, Eckhart Tolle, Mooji, Byron Katie, Don Miguel Ruiz and Alan Watts. I believe they are all honest and each has come out of their own hell or high water. My favorite video of all time is the conversation between Ram Dass and Terence McKenna in 1992. It’s like Superman talking to Lex Luthor. The heart and the mind coming to terms. I was a big Terence fan, he’s pretty powerful and funny, and Ram Dass stole the show when he simply said, “I’m afraid of you.” Boom.
- Practice forgiveness, by giving forth again to those who have hurt you. Fake it, till you make it. It will feel like shit and you’ll feel like you’re a phony and betraying yourself. Do it anyways, you’ll see flowers blossom. Be kind and understanding. Always acknowledge their feelings despite you disagreeing with them. It’s their experience and by being present with them, they will feel that love.
- Observe your thoughts, feelings and talk to yourself like you were a child. Acknowledge that people can and do hurt you. Be with that person who is going through a difficult episode and talk it through. That person is you of course. My dad was that for me before he died.
- Do breathing exercises before, during and after daily events. And say things like “This is a fresh start. Everything’s going to be OK. This is exactly how I wanted it, to take the next step.” It will be hard as hell to even remember any of this if you’re going through a doozy but deep breaths help. It lets out of the poison and brings in the good spirit.
- Eat well and enjoy the things you shouldn’t eat. I eat salads with mixed nuts and fruit, Italian dressing, eggs, ham, toast, avocados, tea. I’m still learning in this department.
- Find a friend to talk to.
- Do a program like Gratitude Training or Festen Institute.
Do you have others I should add to this? Please email me here or visit my website and let me know!
I’ve wanted to write a book since my 800 mile journey on a motorcycle in Vietnam with my awesome siblings+ when my brother, Nic said a phrase that made me smile. It was a book that I’d write when I had “figured it out” and could actually guide people. I would get there many times, listening to music, dancing by myself at home doing my galactic manifesting chants to the universe, holding my breath for a long time, getting some major progress on a project… and then a bunch of more shit fell apart or unraveled, and thought, nope. No way I can give anyone any advice. I’m still living in hell. But oh man, it’ll be great! I have the artist in Amsterdam that I love, and the title will be like this, each section will be like I would love books to be, funny, organized, indicators, collaborations, correlations, basically awesome. But that pain inside was too damn much.
And on days like today, when I think, wow, I think I’m getting through this, I made it! My next thought is, what the fuck happened to me anyways? And the thoughts and feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment take over my body, mainly in my solar plexus. How great is that? I can write a book about how to get out of pain because I fucked up so bad in life, made so many mistakes. Wow, what a hero. Basically a book for idiots who fuck up like I did and need a way out. If I was so great, how the heck did that even happen to me? Where did it all go wrong? Was I EVER happy? Scan… mmm nope.
I remember in high school at this retreat, we had to write a chart of the ups and downs of life of how we felt about ourselves. Mine was proudly awful. For some reason it felt good to be in touch with my feelings, and weirdly that I was the best at having the worst experiences. I was number one! And when I did anything amazing, oh boy, what a rise to the top of greatness! That’s what happens when I get to the finish line. Rising above all the pain, the thoughts, the pain. The final temptation of my mind. It reminds me of two great final scenes in film where everyone comes to terms and resolution, starting with The Hunt for Red October and Crimson Tide.
“Bravo, Hunter, you knew to shut up and enjoy the view.”
Poetry in my opinion.
Mind: “Awesome you did it.”
Me: “Whew, yep, never surrender, never give up, baby!”
Mind: “Yeah, so your big contribution is how to unfuck yourself? That’s a little embarrasing. You’re officially one of those people. ‘Yeah, I can poop again!’ Wouldn’t have even needed this book if you hadn’t screwed up so bad or not had a clue how to live in this life.”
Me: “…”
And insert stomach pain for the entire day.
And that’s where we’ll start the lesson.
What happens to me, is deep down in my stomach, in two spots, the sacral chakra and solar plexus become irritated and in a lot of pain. Then comes the great climb up my body to my brain which is fucking AWFUL. My thoughts change, this Green Goblin seems to appear in terms of thoughts, and points of view. Not that I hear any voices when this happens, just a feeling that has a voice with no words that my mind understands as “I’m a piece of shit”. If it had a voice it would probably play out like this scene from Spiderman. When I look in the mirror, I can hardly see myself, just my anxiety.


So when that trigger happens, or tag, I can barely survive the day. It feels like an I have a knife in my stomach all day long, every person that talks to me is attacking me, even calling my name. Men and Women if I look at them or not appear to be mocking me, sending lasers at my stomach and genital area as if to say, “Get out of here, you queer! You’re such a fag!” It is like a Twilight Zone experience. Like I’m living someone else’s nightmare… but it’s all fucking day long. Sleep and the thought of death are the only hope I have in that moment. Oh, and I gotta be a dad with the same creepy thoughts and sensations going on, build a new business from scratch, make money to survive, going to meetings that require me to be on it like a Jedi and to be this amazingly loving and warm listener and collaborator. All with that shit exploding in my head and stomach.
A few years ago, I went through a cancer scare. Yes, I was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Worst two weeks I spent, crying, feeling sad and hopeless that I wouldn’t see my kids again, that they’d have to be raised by their mom alone and all her garbage. Just… like… me. I was diagnosed by a guy we’ll call Dr. Alan who helps people with their spinal alignment. He was a super caring guy, and when he saw my x-rays, he was distraught. It was a big deal. His sister was a famous singer, you’ve heard her songs. But, the problem was my regular doctor wouldn’t/couldn’t see me for two weeks. And I was leaving. One or the other. So off I went to travel with that shit in my head worrying about cancer. I mean it would make sense. My stomach has felt awful for 20 years. In LA when I was 21 I couldn’t eat. Just lemonade to kill the pain. Needless to say two weeks later I got the test results and… no cancer. What a relief and what an asshole that guy was! My doctor’s chiropractor hate meter went off the charts. He was quite pissed off I even DARED to say “I think I have cancer, Dr. Mario.” Like… NOBODY gets to get cancer until he says so under his watch. I think he must have felt bad, like if it’s true it’s something he should have been more on top off. So when the results were negative he was pretty confident and happy. That I was fine and fuck those quacks. I like Dr. Mario, I could talk to him about anything. Told him about my hellish non sex life being married to Kathy Bate’s daughter. Is she really that? No, but that was how I experienced her.
I lived my interpretation and it was my life since I was 20 years old. 17 years self incarceration. Looking at that video is amazing at 44. THAT was my life. Day in and day out. Believing every fucking lie that woman told me. Brrrrr!!! Now that is an insane asylum! Oh and we had kids together, I thought that would make her happy finally. Dr. Mario would tell me, “Jem, there are a ton of woman that would love to fuck your brains, out, any place in Coral Gables!” I wasn’t the cheating type, but I appreciated the support. He was one of very few people I felt I could be honest and open with.

So fast forward since I exited/ran out of that ward 8 years ago and here I am today and… I think I’ve figured it out. Yep! Let’s crank out the book, baby, I’m ready! Even better, let’s start a company to fund the whole party and what I like to call the great revolution!
I have tried so many things, I’ve drank them, smoked them, had them roll all over me, prodded me, flew me, blew me, watched them, listened to them, visited them, read them, loved me, hated me, fucked me and sued me. I call it the OUTSIDE WORLD. Or Upaya, in the sankskrit sense. I first heard the word when I read Be Here Now, by Ram Dass. He’s one of my heroes, I really love this guy. In his book which is incredibly creative and fun to read, he has a menu. A menu for getting on with it. To clear out years of trauma and bullshit, even generations of family’s bullshit. In it among many things he basically says, to eat well, do yoga, meditate, have a sense of humor… REALLY have a sense of humor, get a lover and Upaya. WOW. What a word!! It really lit me up inside. And under it, it said:
“Upaya — Expendient Means”
Anything on the outside that helps acclerate the healing and growth inside. That could be an article like this one you’re ready, excercise, a blow job or… psychadelic drugs!
WOW! Shame… guilt… starting to slide away. The old sex, drugs and rock n’ roll is coming up as a legitimate prescription for misery and I was all in! Sort of! I was still really conservative in my actions or words after living in that wonderful snow village with Kathy Bate’s daughter and fearful to even speak 10% of my mind. But that’s all I needed to get myself out there and experiement and carry that heavy ass burden of guilt from all the “I know you’ll leave me’s, I know you’re going to dump me for a younger woman, you’re hurting me bullshit.” Oh yeah, that shit is very powerful and rules my subconcious. But.. there’s something greater that will get you through the darkness, and that is your sheer will. That’s what got me to where I am today. To break out of the mental bonds and the character I’ve created of myself to be who I really am, free. It’s taken me about 8 or so years to find a balance, it’s easier and harder with kids because of that crappy program and voice of every asshole who ever criticized me, or I interpreted that as such.
Here are my top two, most of which my ex wife said or magically relayed any time she felt threatened, indept at motherhood, jealous of my abilities to connect with an understand my children or wanted to put me down.
The day she came up to me while I was volunteering in French school with my 4 year old trying to help him make friends pretending to do a car wash and having the kids crawl underneath it sort of like the game limbo. I used to do that for 15 minutes each morning and the teachers really loved and appreciated it. I was usually the only parent every year to make the effort. Gossiping with other parents was of no interest to me. So after a nice morning play time she walks up and says very concernedly:

“One of the mother’s came up to me and told me she thinks you touch children inappropriately.”
What?! The woman who’s kid kicks and screams on the floor and she drags him across the grass by his arm as he’s sprawled out on the floor? I TOUCH children inappropriately?! WTF! I ended up having a conversation with that woman later at a birthday party for her son. She basically told me my child was the devil and her child never used words like “Boob” and my son was an awful influence. I turned around and walked the fuck out of there with my crying kid on my shoulder. I was furious, especially with my intent to make peace with her. Needless to say they were kicked out of the french school the next year, after causing havoc with so many other parents and their kids and sueing the school. They were from Lebonon. That was an important day because it would start to show me what crazy was. And it started to make me wonder… and looking at what I was living with and who. During my 2–3 year divorce experience where I felt the entire world was against me, from my own attorney, to the corrupted court system, to crazy pants herself, those words haunted me as I spiriled into debt, fighting with whatever I could muster to keep my kids on the island and in my life. I lost my $4M/year company, my relationships at school, my employees and vendors support and loyalty. The whole beautiful world I created for me and my sons and even their mom turned to a firefight in Beirut, and a hideously Jerry Springer worthy ugly ass ghetto divorce that cost more than $250,000 and awful psychological and emotional damage to myself, my kids and everyone else. She used to watch the show, and I could never understand why. Now I do… that’s how she thinks!
“You’re such a fag. Are you sure you’re not gay?”
I think she called me that at least 3–5 times over the 17 wonderful “prove myself worthy” years. She would say it when months, if not a year would go by and I wouldn’t have sex with her. Porn… was my only outlet and I had to hide that clumsily for 17 years. The final “fuck you fag” gift was on father’s day in 2011, when I was up in Washington DC to tour a client at a datacenter. She called, frantic as she couldn’t handle the kids, complaining that they’re not listening and causing a storm in the house. They were 4 and 1. Calmly I said, “Well, have you brought them outside to play?” Here answer was, “Fuck you, you fag.” I’m so happy that was the last time she ever got to see me living in that hell hole on a father’s day and happy I wasn’t face to face to hear that. People ask, why the fuck would you stay in relationship like that for so long? Pretty simple, these people eat at you. And you’ve got nowhere to go or anyone to talk to. Being alone in a new city living with someone like that who has so many issues, being racist, prejudice, negative, always ill and on prescpription medication and the worst part, is they get us young when we feel bad for them, and they help us out when we’re in tough spot. That’s the trouble being broke and 20 and running away from a family I felt didn’t care about me. People like her seem nice, and relatable because they went through similar hell. The only thing is, they want to stay there and be in control. I couldn’t have sex with this woman. Not only did I find her not attractive out on the outside, I hated her hips to start but it was the look of death on her face. Then bring out all the uglier stuff inside and the insults when she didn’t get her way and I felt like the chic, basically saying to myself, “Is she fucking crazy? I could never fuck let alone kiss a nasty person like that.” And then there is the door or the gate. And when I was that beat down just trying to survive with that much complaining and animosity in my house, and trying to protect two little kids and shielding them from that, and believing the rest of the world is the same or worse… that door seems really tight and that gate hard to jump over. But not impossible. The fag comments came when I shared with her I was worried that I might be gay when I was a teenager if I didn’t hurry up and get laid. Seriously how stupid is that logic! But emotionally that was how I felt. In Oregon, kids were having sex parties at 12 years old. I was still watching Muppet Babies for fucks sake. But that feeling of fear was something that terrified me. My dad and Uncle were big time homophobes and I guess that was basically the worst thing you could be in this life. Gay. So I shared that with her the first night we met. While she looked like depression on legs and held the space of a Morticia Adams she also seemed open, honest and kind.

But what I saw was this:

I really connected with that little girl in her and I really felt for her predicament. Afterall I shared a lot of the same pains and feelings of rejection from family. And while Hollywood was where I wanted to bring all my wonder and talent, it started to make more sense to help someone right in front of me vs. random kids who might watch my films. And so… we became JEMLEX and started our very painful, empty, life of anxiety out of the armpit of humanity on concrete which was Los Angeles for me at 21 years old, to a place even darker, into an abyss of hell. Which would resurface again during my divorce experience. I’ll write more about it in the future, to really break everything down. There are medical professionals, doctors, pharmaceutical companies and regular folks that have been told these people are evil, bipolar, histrionic, borderline. As a free person, I don’t believe in labels, but all those things happen. And there are lots of people who profit and live very comfortable lives on profiting from them.
When I read this article from an attorney basically saying, start a new dream and kiss your borderline exwife and your kids you think are yours goodbye. It’s time for a new life because nothing your upbringing, success in business or relationships will prepare you for what you’re about to go up against. This court system was built by these people to destroy you and destroy they will. However, if you decide against this advice, and you feel that your kids are important to you, prepare for a hell you’ve only seen in nightmares, and it will last years and you will lose… everything. Well, it took me 8 years from the day I said the prophetic words of “I think we might be better as friends,” and I’m there. And I want to share.
“You can manipulate anyone with love.”— Dalai Lama
I like the word guide, myself, and it means the same thing. The only way for me wasn’t through my mind, there was nothing but roadblocks and dead ends and suicide thoughts. I could have my borderline, it’s there and it’s happening. Or I can trust that the love in my heart can overcome all things. And it is. About a year ago that hate and resentment that ate at my stomach for years to the point of insanity found an outlet, found an internal ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. And the practice of loving kindness to a former enemy despite how crazy and ridiculous the words that came back and the lying was the key to liberation. In the end, none of it was personal, and it was just a bad situation that started 24 years ago, and even beyond growing up in my family household. I’m starting over, learning like a little kid one thing at a time, to take care of myself and all my needs whatever they are. I smell flowers like I used to when I was 5, and I really am enjoying the fruits of my labor living on a tropical island and sharing my life and joys with my kids. Once I was able to clear space with the outside world and the actors in it, by working inside onl myself… then there was one more person to deal with, love and forgive and that was me, which was the hardest part. It’s still a daily practice and one that gets better every day. I don’t know why life has been so hard for me to find peace and happiness in. I don’t care anymore. I came from where I came from. The desire has always been the same, to be happy, be free and be myself and wanting that for everyone I meet.
It ultimately is the mission of Upaya, and I really hope it succeeds. CBD will help make all the things you do more effective. Like Terence McKenna once said, “You can sweep the floors of an ashram for 20 years to reach enlightenment or you can eat a mushroom and be done with it.”
The hardest thing for me to do has been to forgive and let go of things. And to be able to do that and have the desire to do that with my exwife has been one of my greatest accomplishments. Simple things like addressing her irrational fears, supporting what I considered insane campaigns, being compassionate and kind, helpful… all when I thought I did enough. And after getting fucked over, it’s almost impossible. Almost. The words my exwife said to me, created enormous pain and suffering for me for years. I played Superman, convincing myself I was tough. Nothing could penetrate me or hurt me. And that lie slowly ate at me from the inside out, leading to years of mental and emotional anguish which was now all mine. I thought I was insane, my thoughts mocked me as if I was disgusting, gay, and touched children inappropriately. All my most wonderful attritubes and experiences in my life, especially being a dad were soured and destroyed for a long time, about 12 years. Words CAN kill people, it almost did me. Someone else’s poison and issues became my own in a broken tape in my head I struggled to deal with. When I went from the top of my little world to absolute bottomless hell at the hands of a person who was verbally and emotionally abusive, my mind had no place legally to destroy, except me. I don’t wish that on anyone in this life.
My mind, my Green Goblin had a field day until I finally started to fight and take a stand. It’s hard enough to fight an inner demon, let alone a female one hell belt on your death and destruction in a corrupted court system. That pales in comparison to my own self torture and anger and frustration of the shitty situation I got in, all with wonderful intentions. To do good and be a good person. My lesson is, if I get a bad vibe from someone, I get to create distance and protection. And I leave a light on for them, no matter how far, with a constant shining of light and kindness. Eventually, no matter how dark they are, they’ll come to. Just protect yourself next time and be very careful who shares your bed.
The Great Mirror

All these “Upaya” I’ve experienced helped me get out of myself and my story. To a place of neutral. Even at neutral… it is a MAJOR win. At the end of the day, everything that happened was meaningless, like cosmic dust floating through space. The Me’s, especially my little me took it ALL personally. The best part about being fucked up by people is we can unfuck ourselves. It takes a while like fishing line, and there’s always the fast way of using a knife or a garbage can. Lots of options.
Things I didn’t like that I recognized in me:
- I flip flopped as a victim and a superhero most of my life, and growing up, I would side with other angry elves to form a gang. Us vs Them. Deep down inside, my truer nature constantly came out, amidst the clouds.
- I would do things to the point of torture to succeed, all will. Very little grace.
- I was very good at being right, and created intimate relationships with women that would validate that. Leading to an awful existence of needing to control the outside. Doh!
- I could not emphathize with anyone. I accepted the Spartan way and it was kill or be killed for me. I tended to be much nicer and forgiving to others because “I can’t change them” when it came to relationships and business, than to myself.
- I could not listen to anyone that hurt me or made fun of me. Anything they said went into static mode.
- I was an anti-dentite. I litterally could walk into a room and hate everything and everyone in it. Great for comedy later, horrible to experience.
- I blamed myself for everything wrong on earth, I mean, I’m the chosen one right?
- I was a great ice skater, skirter, beater of bushes, Jesus parabylite. Anything to try to get my message across to someone afraid of them walking away or not listening. Happened to me in business too.
Nowadays, I have a very good relationship with my exwife and everyone else in my life. All above 7 out of 10. Except for one of my brothers. He still hates me for calling him fat when I was 10. I am happy to help her out without feeling manipulated, or if I am I do it anyways if it’s good for everyone. Including me! Kiss her on the cheek, address her concerns. All the things I used to do 70% which honestly was pretty good. I’ve learned that 100% is the only way to go. 70 sounds great until you live with 30 crap. And that is potent!
Things I like about myself that I discovered:
- I can persevere through anything if I believe in it. My dreams of comedy, writing and film, building future focused businesses to change the world for the better.
- I’m a very good friend to people.
- I’m very honest and open and courageous.
- I’m a great dad.
- I’m a great creator and ethical business person.
- I’m a good listener and I really like helping people.
- I’m very straight, thank you!
- And I’m great with kids, I wish I had a me as a big brother, dad or coach growing up. I’m glad I can be that for my kids and the kids on our island.
- I’m very funny when I’m feeling comfortable and free. Hard to do on stage, but I’m getting there.
- I can let things go and forgive.
- I enjoy taking people, their dreams, gifts and talents to the next level. Through my wonderous eyes.
- Some of the qualities I didn’t like in others including my exwife I either had or had.
If you’re in hell, and you’re looking for a way out, do what I did. I promise you’ll make it. It takes a little bit of everything to make something work, and a little help from your friends. If you don’t have one, like I didn’t for many years, I’ll be yours.
