For the first time in awhile, I felt fat for an Asian girl.
I mean I’ve always “been” fat.
And even then, I haven’t been “fat”. Sure, by the old definition of the BMI scale, I’m overweight. But after a whole year of working out, I weigh the same as when I started and I look much more muscular. So I’m okay with that, in fact, I’m really happy with it. I love the hard work I put in. But there are a lot of doubts I’m working through.
When I was a teenager I so desperately wanted to rebel against the norms of Asian-American first generation immigrant society, that I took such pride in being a tomboy and not being skinny like everyone else. It was a point of pride that was extremely twisted, because I loved and hated myself all at the same time. I loved that I could rebel by playing water polo and having muscles and being strong — but I also hated it because I couldn’t be pretty like everyone else. In a way, I felt like it was the only thing I had left for myself.
Going through college, I didn’t mind. Now that I think about it, there weren’t that many Asians at my university. And I wasn’t really friends with most of them, but there were a lot of different body types of Asian girls there, and I felt free. Granted, I had a lot of issues with food, but it was less of how much I ate, it was more of annoying digestive issues. I rarely had body image issues because I was dealing with chronic pain and didn’t really have time for that.
Last night I was out at a bar in Michigan, as graduate students do, and it’s definitely way more diverse than where I am in Utah, and there were a good amount of Asian people there. There was a group of maybe 10 Asians, both guys and girls. And all the girls were thin, and this is something I’ll always notice because of how I saw things growing up — I just want to change my reactions to it.
Anyway, a few of the girls looked at me a few times, and it was probably just a general observational stare, but I couldn’t help but think…am I too large? Why am I wearing a stupid v-neck shirt (one that I love so much)? Why aren’t I better? Why can’t I be normal?
I pushed those thoughts aside but as I woke up this morning, I started writing this.
Because for the first time in a long time, I felt fat. I felt way too big. Last night I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, and felt too wide and I felt like I took up too much space. I saw my chubby cheeks because I’ve been eating more.
I had to remind myself of a few things today.
First, I don’t hate food anymore. I don’t struggle nearly as much anymore with digestive issues, and I don’t get as much anxiety about getting hungry anymore. That’s wonderful. That’s one of the main things that has made my life 800x better as of late.
Second, I’ve been eating to survive. Funnily enough, I’ve lost weight since the start of football camp. I barely worked out so sure, maybe I’ve lost some muscle, but you don’t lose that much in just a month. Breathe. I feel like I eat so much, yet I don’t gain weight because I’m walking around at work all day, usually around 5 miles everyday now. I’m eating a lot because I need it and it’s totally okay. I could definitely afford to cut down on the snacks, but life is better when you’re fuller and happier.
Third, I like my broad shoulders and my triceps and my deltoids (even if they need a lot of work). I like my quads and I laugh at my hamstrings and glutes that are really hard to grow. I like my calves because I’m blessed with those genetics…I like feeling strong. I am happily able to describe myself as “dense”. I like feeling like I can do things on my own if I need to. I like using my muscles to play my favorite sport. You should have seen me at water polo practice the other day — my first practice in ~4 years. My legs were burning 3 laps in, but I could not stop smiling. I finally heard the satisfying sound of a water polo bouncing off the water and flying over the goalie’s head. I used my leg, in the crook of my knee, to hold an opponent. And I could do this all because I’ve been getting stronger physically AND mentally. Even though I’m out of water shape, I made it out alive!
I’ll be honest. I hate and love the fact that I’m currently living in a very un-diverse town. I’m aware of the fact that I might be one of the few East Asians that people have contact with, so I want to represent things well. But at the same time, not all Asians are the same. I wish people could see that. We’re not all thin and small and quiet. We can be small, or tall, or large, or loud, obnoxious, funny, clever, courageous, smart, common-sensical. Someone once tried to tell me there are no Asian stereotypes. False, ask a non-Asian who was raised in a very un-diverse town. You cannot tell me how I’m allowed to feel. By those standards, I am a little less stereotypical…but I don’t say that as a point of pride anymore in myself, it’s almost just a fact, also not helped by the career path I took.
So you see, when I’m by myself I can be whatever I want to be, but sometimes, being around other Asians makes me feel less than. (Of course it’s even more emphasized when I’m in China, it’s almost laughable because I’m large and tan and loud, and people know I’m American before I open my mouth. Which is totally okay!) But in those instances, I can either feel really good or really bad about it. I guess it depends on the day. And now I’m just realizing that it’s okay to have bad days, and it’s okay to have good days — both are going to happen, but how are you going to react and change it? I don’t want to be stagnant.
I don’t like to have bad days. No one does. But you can’t force yourself to have a good day if you’re not ready.
For the first time in awhile, I struggled with moments of doubt on this topic. Being one of the few Asian girls in town, and the only Asian female in the athletics department that I’ve seen…I hadn’t thought about it for a second because I felt normal in my weight. I’ve felt a little abnormal in my hair and skin and eyes and culture, for sure, but not my weight.
I’m still going to struggle with this, but I’m definitely going to reach out to my friends and talk about this because that’s what can make a real difference.
For the first time in awhile, I felt really bad about myself. But for the first time in awhile, I want to do something about it. I want to be active. I want to talk about it. It’ll be okay.
