I find myself asking others for so much more grace than I’m willing to give them.

It often causes me frustration because the expectations I hold for others are higher than those I hold for myself, without realizing it. Or perhaps I’m more upset when others wrong me and I fail to notice the other areas where I…fail.

We all have different strengths and weaknesses for a reason. That’s what makes us work together really well. I have to realize that just because I lack a strength someone else has — it doesn’t mean I’m a failure. And if someone lacks what I have — it doesn’t mean I’m better than them. There are certain things that we’re better at…and some we’re worse at. For example, my grammar right here, but it’s fine! You know what I mean.

Perhaps we all come to a point where we realize we’ve been making the same mistake over and over, for too long of a time. It’s never too late to realize you’ve been wrong or stupid, it’s better than never realizing it at all. I think we’ve all been through it, so maybe we can give others grace for the same thing no matter how difficult it is. The most important thing is that we all try to be good and we all try to get better. Something I love about my profession is that we’re always learning. Years from now, I may still learn something new.

I have this image in my head of how people should regard Asians and how they should be spoken about — I speak out of my own heart on this topic and when others can’t relate and say and do things that are not okay to say or do at all… I am infuriated. I believe most people know exactly what they’re saying, and that’s upsetting. On the off chance they don’t, I aim to educate. I just have this image of people understanding me, understanding why it’s not okay to make fun of us and be racist…and when they don’t do that, or they don’t care the way I do, I get upset. I’ve slowly been learning that all I can do is try to educate people and if nothing comes of it, maybe it’s time to consider moving on. One day maybe I’ll get another chance, who knows? But just because something is morally right or wrong to me, it doesn’t mean others understand it or care, and that’s how the world works. I’m better off accepting it and working on the people who might care or understand. I’m better off not getting frustrated at others not meeting my expectations, because I can’t control that, and it’s sort of very rude in a general sense

I suppose this is now just random paragraphs on this topic. But I’ve been learning this over and over again this semester. I’ve been trying to have grace and patience for others, not out of pity or anything, but out of feeling really stupid and terrible. At the same time, I have these high standards for myself I’ll never reach — being perfect, being everyone’s favorite, being the best at everything. I love absolutes. I have different but very high expectations for myself and others and I’m working on toning both things down for my own sake.

I have always so strongly believed in change. Any time I don’t like something or the way someone does something, I’ve wanted to change it. Even if I’m not sure what I want it to be like instead, I am uncomfortable and annoyed and frustrated. In general, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want change. But to consistently get frustrated with things not changing instead of changing my own mindset, no matter how difficult, is just…absolutely stupid. Changing my own mindset is probably one of the easiest things though, because I’m in control of that. I don’t control other things or what others do. The obvious thing is that I don’t deserve to do that.

Instead of asking for so much from others or trying to change them, I want to ask more of myself. I want to have more grace, more patience, more love for everyone including myself. I want to have a great understanding and acceptance of reality. However, most importantly, I want an unwavering sense of confidence in myself when I need and deserve it, paired with an accepting and peaceful humility that sets me straight when I need it. Instead of demanding only from others, I’m demanding from myself.