Nurturing my ‘feminine’ side in a masculine world
In some senses, I am ‘masculine’ — organised, focused, driven. This hasn’t always been so. I remember days, months and years, not knowing what I wanted from life, not knowing what I liked, feeling empty and driven to find it, seeking identification through others, my brothers, my friends, boyfriends etc. It’s only been since I moved out of the family home, into my own space and through several breakups, job losses and house moves that I have found and grown my own identity. This drive to find my own identity, to pursue it and stand on my own two feet has, however, left me slightly skewed with a somewhat dominant masculine tendency. Do do do! Go go go!
In a world driven by results, by action, this tendency has further been welcomed and cultivated. The past year has been particularly masculine dominant as I have been single, learning to live on my alone and enjoying it very much (only missing a butler to buy me food and do my laundry). It has been what I needed — to gain my own sense of security within myself, not in my family, not in the boyfriend of the time or my close friends.
The past two months, with work and studies driving me in circles, I have been drawn to nature, to greenery, to water, to escaping urban jungles. Reading ‘Intimate Communion’ about relationships, I realised that just my relationship with myself is off-kilter. What I’ve been seeking is nurture; cheesily put — perhaps I’ve been seeking the healing waves of feminine energy from the natural world.
I am a balance of two halves, reflected in two different mindsets/characters that I flow in and out of — the non-directive counsellor/listening friend vs. the pro-active, assertive innovator/cheerleading friend who shouts at you to stand up for yourself, the Kapha vs. Pitta, the romantic idealist vs. the self-protective realist.
Flowing between the two is my ideal state but recently I found myself somewhat stuck and unable to enjoy my life in its most simplest and innocent of ways as I was stuck on being productive, on doing, on being better and better. I basically just needed to get out of my head….but actually had to go in my head to get out of it. As well as I spending time away from the city centre, away from stuffy offices and buses, I let myself stare at trees, at open spaces and giggled at sheeps baa-ing at me (I am easily tickled). I figured out what I needed — to connect with a side of me that feels unbounded time, that is carefree and skips even if people are looking.