Hm, I am intrigued but I also have issues with this. Yes, I think it’s perfectly healthy to realize the extent to which you have over-exerted yourself beyond your desires and to step outside your original plan for how your Dream was supposed to manifest. I think that’s vital in any passion, in any career pursuit.
What I question is the insistence that it was Theatre, or the Dream itself, that had the flaws that eventually pushed you to discontentment.
I argue that Dreams are not meant to be something frustratingly unattainable. They should not be a pointless chasing of the wind. They should also not be things that kill your spirit. And they most certainly are not the problem. Dreams point you in a direction, and it is you who chooses when and how to go.
The problem was in the approach. You had this dream since youth, and so pushed all your idealism and effort into doing this and only this with every ounce of your being. That honestly doesn’t sound like a very balanced life to me. To me, this sounds like the definition of working hard and not smart.
In this hyper capitalist world (as you mentioned), yes, it truly does feel like a moral failure when you give up on a Dream. It is also important to note, however, that grinding at your Dream with the insatiable desire to reach higher is also a capitalist-driven mentality. Dreams are tender flames that become extinguished by too much air. Setting healthy goals is key to maintaining realistic artistic approaches- it sounds to me like you overworked yourself for far too long.
It is telling to me that you say little remains to vouch for your Theatre work due to its ephemeral nature… Theatre’s value is in providing transformative live experiences that imprint onto your memory, your life. Not all moments in life are salvageable, and sometimes that makes them even more precious. Theatre is an experience that mimics our own mortality by only having one life. Saying that it did not bring you a rewarding experience towards the end is proof enough that something had to give pre-production. Knowing when to give up and say no are actually vital to the artistic process and must occur throughout a career, not only after one has had far too much.
If this feeling of malaise had been recognized earlier in your process and you stopped forcing yourself to higher achievements without balancing your life with other ambitions and means to feel fulfilled, you may have had a better chance of finding harmony between this dream and the rest of your life.
As it is, I wish you all the best. Part of me will wish that you someday find the magic of Theatre once again, but this magic may come in an entirely new form as well. And when it comes, I hope you don’t approach it with suspicion, but freely accept that passion is what gives us the drive to move forward, and live on. Cheers to you.