I’ve recently been exploring the feelings of shame and guilt after noticing that I harbored a lot of it within me just for existing. I felt shame and guilt for taking up space, for desiring the things that I desire, for the things that I do (or don’t do), etc… I started reading this book called “You Are A Badass At Making Money,” by Jen Sincero and she said something that really stuck out to me- “... if you plan on becoming one of them, it’s gonna be a whole lot easier if you actually approve of who you’re becoming.” This was in regards to the negative stigma surrounding rich people, and how if you desire to be rich (whatever that means to you) it’s better to let go of the belief that rich people are “bad.” I found this statement striking and it sent me down a rabbit hole of contemplation.
It brought me face to face with the reality that I not only harbored feelings of guilt and shame, but a lot of judgment too. It’s not news that I’m a harsh critic towards myself, but I tend to avoid acknowledging the fact that I’m quick to pass judgment on others as well, solely because I don’t vocalize it. However, that doesn’t negate the truth: I have had a tendency towards judgmental thoughts which perpetuates the feelings of shame and guilt towards myself, and only serves as a hindrance to my life.
Whenever I’m made aware of feelings/thoughts like this, I love diving deep into them and finding out why I think that way, where it comes from, and what it really means. Because most of the time, limiting beliefs such as this doesn’t come from us- it’s a product of our personal experiences, conditioning of our environments growing up, the media, and so forth. However, once we acknowledge the feeling/thought, regardless of where it comes from, it becomes our responsibility to transcend it so that we may be free from its limitations.
While journaling about this discovery, I realized why I felt this way. First, part of me fundamentally feels unworthy of receiving that which I desire- material wealth, beauty, true connection, a life of ease. I see the suffering in this world and the hardships that people I love have faced throughout their lives and wonder what makes me so special to think that in a world full of so much pain, I deserve to experience joy and freedom. Not to mention my own insecurities and feelings of inferiority that I’ve experienced since I was a child. I have always felt so small in this big world, and in this game of the “haves and have-nots,” I would always fall into the latter. And although this belief system is uncomfortable and blatantly untrue, I cling to it because it’s all that I know.
Without fully realizing it, I have spent my life relentlessly judging everything around me- whether it was with feelings of envy or superiority. And in turn, I have felt judged by the world. I had these thoughts of wealthy people being greedy, beautiful people being superficial, couples being unhealthily codependent, and so on. I passed unfair, untrue judgment out of insecurity, then turned around and shamed myself for still wanting those things. It’s uncomfortable to admit that to myself, but vital in order to overcome it.
I recently read a tweet from Lex Fridman that said, “Don’t be jealous of other people’s success. Celebrate it, use it as inspiration. Life is way more fun that way.” That really spoke to me. Feelings of jealousy and resentment only pushes the things we’re asking for further away from us, while feeling inspired and celebratory of others’ successes brings us that much closer. Easier said than done, but an effort I believe is worth making.
Sincero also talked about how taking care of yourself first is vital because “you cannot give what you do not have.” There’s this misconception that I’ve followed throughout my life, that because others are suffering, it’s only fair that I suffer with them. The thought of experiencing things like material abundance, true love, and freedom with my time ignited excitement within me but also shame along with it because there are so many people living in poverty, experiencing loneliness, and enslaved to circumstances that aren’t aligned with their true desires.
I pulled this oracle card this morning which was mind-blowingly synchronized with all I had been thinking about:
Although the intent is pure, it’s not our responsibility to carry the weight of the world. We can do our best to love and provide for one another when we can, but ultimately it serves no one any good to lower our quality of life for the sake of another. If anything, the best way to bring people out of their suffering is for you to bring yourself out first- hence Sincero’s referral to being told on airplanes to put your own oxygen mask on first. Cultivating a life of fulfillment, freedom, and joy sets an example that it’s possible to attain and equips you with the necessary resources to give back to others. Whether it’s through financial support, sharing words of wisdom, or providing a service- we all have gifts that have the potential to bring immense value to this world, no matter the scale of impact.
The synchronicities in this card, down to the “oxygen mask” analogy blew my mind and only confirmed that what I had been thinking was true. The shame and guilt I feel towards my desires and overall existence isn’t mine to carry- and yours probably isn’t either. I think I unconsciously feared that letting go of these feelings would be equivalent to me turning my back on humanity, but I see now that each of us has the choice to live in truth and find joy in whatever way we can. When our own cups are full, we have more to share with others, and something as simple as walking through the world with a loving heart can make a difference. Therefore, cultivating a dream-like life is one of the best things any of us can do for ourselves and for each other.
I wonder- do you feel like you harbor any feelings of shame/guilt? Where do you think it comes from? How does it affect your life? I’d love to hear your experience with this if you feel called to share!
With lots of love,
T ❁
