i tried to get out of bed today

tried to brush my hair

tried to make myself pretty

make myself normal

make myself worthy of life

make myself into some other shape besides a chalk outline

tried to remember my own name

tried to stitch back together my own becoming

tried to scream into the void but it kept screaming back

tried to feel that “love is love”

but kept feeling empty

like the rainbow flag is always at half-mast

like the stories we tell ourselves are just our way of surviving

like all we’re ever doing is surviving

tell me what pride’s for if you’re still bleeding

tell me what pride’s for if you can’t feel your body

tell me what pride’s for if people still die for it

tell me what pride’s for when it’s always too late to make up the difference

tell me what pride’s for when the hurt always keeps pace with the growing

tell me what pride’s for when i do not feel safe in my own ribcage

tell me what pride’s for when being out is no better than being quiet

tell me what pride’s for if we are deemed less than, other, unworthy and invalid

when the fight is never over,

when the will to live runs parallel with the will to love

when my heart is a revolving door

filtering in the good only to make room for the bad

when the thing i hold most dearest to me

is not mine at all

when the pain feels so big every new room is just another room i cannot escape

when the love i fight for is the same one they died for

tell me what pride is for

tell me what the hurt is for

i cannot see the good right now

i can only see 6 colors on a rainbow flag all fade to red

tell me there is good waiting still

fighting still

loving still

living still

despite it all

tell me what pride is for

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