Father’s Day 2017

What a weird week. I was super sick last week. Caught some death virus that had me laid out flat, mostly sleeping and many many days down. Today is Day 12 and I mostly have my voice back, still using Sudafed, and a lingering cough. Yuck.

In my haze early on when I still thought I could “work from home” Skype sent me a notification — reminding me that Father’s Day was coming up and don’t I want to add my dad as a contact so I can reach out to him? No Skype — I don’t fucking want to add my dad, thank you. Those Skype bots were SO excited and they wanted me on board, later in the week — ADD YOUR DAD, SKYPE HIM ON SUNDAY! Seriously Skype, take a note and shut the fuck up.

I was pissy and angry and having my first holiday without someone in my life that “should” be acknowledged (guilt). I was hating on Skype, hating on the Today Show, hating on Amazon and Hallmark and Target and ads and anything at all that pointed at dads. Not everyone jumps up and down with bells on about fucking father’s day.

Then I realized — wait — I cannot just wish this day away. There is a dad in my life that is super important and should be acknowledged. It’s not just about me and my dad. It’s also about my kid and her dad. So I shifted my lens and started focusing on Norman. He needed to have a kick ass day (as a kick ass dad) so I just put my dad in the back of my brain, ignored and moved on.

Father’s Day rolled around and we had a really good day. Slept late. Norman picks lunch place (wood-fired pizza). Norman takes us all in the afternoon for nitro cold brew (it’s so pretty and delish). A show at the Paramount (Cabaret). After show food and drinks (date night). I think we had a pretty good Father’s Day all around.

After food and treats, driving home, about half way over the 520 bridge….I started thinking about my dad. I was a mix of sad and “whatever”. That at nearly midnight, had anyone reach out to my dad? Acknowledge him? Say Happy Father’s Day? Even if he didn’t talk to his children or grandchildren? I never sent him a card from A. Does that matter? I don’t care. Does A? She never brought it up. Is that enough to assuage my guilt? Is it not? Why am I even having this conversation with myself?! In that exact moment Norman asked what I was thinking about. Fuck. Do I admit I was thinking about my dad? Not about him or the day we had together? sigh…

I did tell him. I did say I was thinking about my dad. And you know what he said?! That he wasn’t thinking about how the day could be affecting me. How is he thinking about me and my struggles on Father’s Day? Wow — seriously this day should not be about me.

I put it out of my head again.

Ignore. Avoid. Decline. Coping mechanisms.

I got over it. Forgot about my dad. Just let it go.

Then Monday’s mail arrived.

A card. From my dad. To Norman. Of course it was a Father’s Day card. Where the hell does he get off sending that card? I am trying to believe intentions are good, but seriously?! So many thoughts… Is he really in touch? Is he understanding how serious this it is that his kids left him? Does he not care and think he can just march forward? What was he thinking? Is he sad? Or depressed? Do I really care? Does a pretty Hallmark card open the door to forgiveness?

Yes — that is what I’m thinking.

And no — one Hallmark card does not make a difference. Five years of Hallmark cards won’t make a difference. Or ten. It’s done.

Now, I truly feel numb about the whole thing. I’m not sure what to do with all of this emotion (or lack of). My world is so upside-down right now I cannot even imagine reality. I’ve been sick. I’m on a plane to Boston. I’m remote until July 8th. I want to go and enjoy my Single Girl Time, go to NYC, see my show and hang out after hours, be with my family and enjoy the 4th of July (Boston Pops!), a Red Sox game and all the other fun that can be had in Boston.

And then…return to Seattle. Live my life. Move forward.

Keep reminding myself where my dad fits in all of that.

Which is honestly not much of anywhere.

Until the emotion and memory comes up again. Can’t say I’m ready for it, more like I’m aware it will arrive at some point.