Today’s flavor of anxiety

CW: Anxiety-laden mess

I woke up feeling heavy today and have since been living in a constant state of anxiety. Not insignificant moments that last a few minutes and go away. Not severe enough that I’m a total mess in bed and checked out of reality. I’m somewhere in between and it fucking sucks. The welling tears at random moments (thankfully not in front of others. yet.) Lack of focus to do absolutely anything. The racing heart since 8am —this one I could especially do without.

Mostly it is related to feelings of overwhelming responsibility and what’s not getting done. Yet I cannot articulate what is missing that creates even more anxiety. I made a list this morning of work stuff, including due dates and priority. It did not help. I have someone helping at home with stuff like dry cleaning runs, getting cat food, small errands that make my life easier. I’m still feeling dread. We are leaving on Friday to spend a week away (adult trip) and while it should be something I look forward to, the whole trip has me apprehensive. I even emailed my friend planning everything letting her know I’m feeling out of control (and she is planning everything! All I have to do is show up!)

All of these are tasks. The harder part to admit is what else is weighing on me…

I’m spinning on nearly all of my relationships right now. Fear that I’ve disappointed or upset people. Irrational thoughts that others just don’t care (while I can type it’s irrational, I don’t believe it) It is exponentially harder for me to reach out and ask for love and support when I feel like this, when just a bit of reassurance would likely quiet my mind. Telling Norman earlier didn’t help, likely contributing to thinking no one could. I’m scared to admit I’m broken today. I’m terrified to just say, can you tell me something kind? I feel immobilized and powerless. Even being as mindful as I am to type this, it’s not helping to quiet the monkeys. I’m caught in a no-win-brain spiral.

Just… Yuck.

This saying speaks volumes to me. It is uncomfortable to share as when I’m this anxious, the last thing I want is to be touched. I clench and internalize and move away from people. I make myself small. I get claustrophobic. Almost as if I need to implode in an open field before I can be physically near others.

Maybe I need some sort of code, like communication badges, for when I cannot verbalize the terror I’m experiencing and at the same time let others know I’m not OK.

Green = I’m good let’s hang! 
Yellow = something is going on, talk to me. 
Red = Danger! unstable mess, approach at your own risk! 
Black = she’s too far gone, best of luck.

Today is a bright Red day (with black spots)

In saying all this I’m also worried about how people will reach out once I publish. Prior posts have shown me that friends are more than willing to provide what I ask for in terms of support. I sincerely thank you all for that attention and respect. Now — I’m imploding, so accepting anything is going to be extra hard. I don’t know what support needs to look like right now. I don’t know if I can even talk to anyone, or message with them.

Today — is just not a good day.