Masturbation And The Mormon Temple
Only a man is allowed to touch my body
When will it be over I thought?
How can I be done with this?
Over and over again each night it happened.
And every night I swore that was my last time.
I made dinner, washed the dishes, bathed the kids, read stories, said prayers with them, and kissed them goodnight.
Desperate to escape overwhelming exhaustion I turned on the TV to unwind for a minute.
Let’s see… What night is it? What’s good on Wednesdays?
Nothing, it’s the middle of the week. Everyone knows that there’s nothing good on in the middle of the week. Thursday night was the best night of TV.
It was Greys Anatomy night. Meredith Grey and Mr. McDreamy. Season 7 was just ending with the climax of Meredith's messing up Derek’s Alzheimer’s medical trial.
I couldn’t wait for Thursday’s. The hospital drama, the hot Doctors, and all the sex.
Oh my God, the sex.
I wasn’t having much sex and I don’t remember the last time it was all that great.
I really struggled with our sex. It was the same every time. I’d get out my vibrator to make sure I came first and then he’d finish up a few minutes later. I didn’t feel the deep connection I was longing for. I didn’t even know what I wanted, how to ask for it, let alone how to make it better. I just knew there had to be more than this.
I hated it when there was a rerun of Grey's. Then I’d have to surf the channels to find something else that was appealing. I just wanted to unwind and relax. Let’s see what’s on AMC. Maybe there’s an old movie on. I was too tired to drive to RedBox and get a good movie.
Plus! I always forgot to take them back. Which made the $1 rental more like $5 with all the late fees. Not one of our DVD’s from our selection of 200 sounded appealing. Most of them were kid's movies anyway. At this point, I didn’t care what I watched as long as it took my mind off the day and the kids.
I finally settled on The Blind Side.
It had been a while since I’d seen it and we didn’t have that one anyway. That’s a good one to buy. I’ll put in on my list.
I go to the kitchen to see what junk food we have. Where did I hide those chocolate cookies? There they are, behind the cans of vegetables. I knew if I put them behind the vegetables the kids wouldn’t find them. I pull out the package of cookies legitimately thinking I’ll just have a couple while I watch the movie. Before I know it I’ve eaten half the package and now need something salty to counteract all the sugar I just ate.
Oh… Chips and salsa. Yes, that’s perfect.
By the time I finish my chips and salsa I no longer feel anything but guilt and shame.
My mind starts on the I’m so fat train. I hate that train! It doesn’t ever stop and it’s depressing. I’m not going to do this again I think. I’m going on a diet tomorrow. I might as well finish off the cookies tonight. I should really give up sugar. Maybe a 30-day sugar fast. Well maybe, that’s a little extreme. Ok, I’ve decided, tomorrow is the day. I start tomorrow.
Some version of that played out every night distracting me from the unnoticed misery of my life. I kept thinking if I could just lose weight and get into shape everything would be better.
I’d be happy, we’d have better sex and everything would be great.
Little did I know that the letter from the Church would crack my wall of distraction and be the catalyst for my own awakening.
While putting away my chips and salsa the phone rang. The caller ID said, Burk Neilson. Yes, it’s the ward clerk from the church. I had been waiting for him to call. He asked if my husband and I could meet with the Bishop on Sunday. “Absolutely,” I said. Finally, I thought as I hung up the phone. He never said why the Bishop wanted to meet with us, but I was sure it was about our temple sealing.
My husband and I had applied for a temple cancelation.
In the Mormon church, the temple sealing is the pinnacle of salvation and the salvation of the family. Being sealed in the temple meant that you could be with your husband and kids after you died.
“For Time and all Eternity” and “Together Forever”
plaques hang on the wall of every Mormon home. It hangs by the picture of the temple as a reminder and symbol of the foundation of everything.
I had previously been sealed in the temple to my ex-husband.
In the church, a woman can only be sealed to one man. In order to be sealed to another man, you have to petition the church to have the current sealing canceled. The petition includes; official paperwork, interviews, and questioning from the Bishop and Stake President and letters from all the parties involved. The letter is to state the reasoning for the temple cancelation and what happened in the divorce.
Sunday couldn’t come fast enough. Finally, something to look forward to and motivation for my diet.
Dressed in our Sunday best we waited outside the Bishop’s office for our meeting. My husband put on a fresh tie and I redid my makeup. We sat in silent anticipation with thankful hearts. What a blessing this was. The office door opened and the Bishop greeted us with a handshake and smile.
“Welcome, Brother and Sister, come on in,” he said.
We started the meeting with a prayer that the Bishop offered. “We received word from the Church about your temple cancelation,” he said. “I’d like to read the letter.”
He turned his laptop so we could see the screen as he read aloud. The letter started with Dear Brother and Sister We the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (aka Mormon Church). The next line I remember hearing went something like — We are unable to grant your request for a temple cancelation at this time.
It continued with official wording that said you are unworthy to be sealed in the temple because you masturbate.
You are to abstain from masturbation for one year. At the end of such time, we feel you will be worthy and will grant the cancelation of your sealing.
I’m sure there was something about appreciating your faithfulness and God’s plan. It was officially signed by the first presidency which is the prophet and his two counselors.
In my interview with the Bishop as part of the petition process, I confessed that occasionally I struggled with masturbation. I said it wasn’t a problem, but every once in a while I did masturbate. In the Mormon church, masturbation is considered a sin. Whether you are married or single, masturbation is still a sin for both men and women. Basically everything but kissing before marriage is a sin.
Before the Bishop could ask for my response I got up and left.
I forcefully slammed the office door behind me to pronounce my anger.
I sat outside the office fuming.
My mind violently racing with; Are you serious?
I can’t believe this!
How is this possible?
I didn’t even know a thing like this existed!
I have never heard of this before!
What the hell!
I started to slow my breathing and silently prayed a fervent prayer for strength for this trial of my faith.
“I can do this I thought.”
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I took a couple of more slow breaths to take with me as I walked back into the office. My husband greeted my eyes with concern and grabbed my hand as I sat down.
With a surprised look, the Bishop responded with “Wow, what was that all about?”
“I’m sorry,” I humbly replied.
I was a little upset with the letter. I apologize for overreacting. I don’t understand this but, I know this letter is from God. I will follow the instructions and trust in God’s plan and timing. The Bishop shared a few thoughts with us and the meeting ended as it began with a prayer.
Over the next few weeks and months, my fuming anger began to build inside of me.
I traced over the letter again and again in my mind.
Slowly my mind began to unravel as I began to ask myself questions I had never thought about before.
The Prophet of the Mormon church told me I couldn’t touch my own body!
Only my husband is allowed to touch my body?
Why can only a man touch my body?
I’m a married woman and I can’t touch my own body?
It wasn’t like I was masturbating on the kitchen table in front of the kids!
I’m a grown woman masturbating in the privacy of my own bedroom!
If my body is a gift from God then why can’t I touch it?
I was full of anger and confusion it began spilling out of me.
It’s my body!
It’s my BODY!
Why am I letting a man tell me I can’t touch my own body?!
I realized I had a choice about my body.
I started questioning everything I had once thought to be true.
My anger turned into grief and my grief turned in the realization of the truth.
I was avoiding the life I currently had.
I realized I could have a different life.
My life opened up when I could be with my own truth.
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