I like my men like I like my scarves: warm and made by a sweet, Midwestern lady.

I like my men like I like my asparagus: tall, lanky, and not funnier than me.

I like my men like I like my calculators: good with numbers and able to spell BOOB.

I like my men like I like my dolphins: intelligent but not so smart that they can like fight back, you know?

I like my men like I like my clowns: a little sad and constantly trying to express themselves through the art of balloon animals.

I like my men like I like my satellite systems: direct and out. of. this. world. agh.

I like my men like I like my potatoes: down to earth and comfortable in their own skin.

I like my men like I like my epipens: good in emergencies and wildly overpriced.

I like my men like I like a white man’s confidence: always there even when you’re like, “get out of here! haha…”

I like my men like I like my cockroaches: hard on the outside, soft on the inside, IMMORTAL.

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