Give These Absurd Stock Photos a Chance

Here we are again, talking about stock images. You’re probably wondering why I would even bother covering this topic again. Do weird stock photos deserve the amount of attention they garner online? Is it “click bait-y” to share this with you at all? Do I care?

Yes, yes and not even a little bit.

Ridiculous stock images are hilarious and downright puzzling. We love them, we love to hate them and I just so happen to have one of the most impressive collections of weird stock photos of all time.

I’m not only going to share them with you, I’m going to go one step further and give you tips on how to use these seemingly useless images.

A surprisingly large number of people out there hate cats. Cat people vs. dog people debates have historically gotten so heated they have divided nations and broken up happy homes. For this reason, I’m betting the Humane Society wishes they had someone to help cats with their image problem.

This stock photo should be used as a how-to guide for finding orphaned cats their permanent homes. A lot of people hate cats, but it’s well documented that no people exist who hate innocent, gentle lambs. Dressing cats like lambs to take the edge off is really a no brainer. This cat has probably done horrible demonic things like pushing over a cup of water, but that’s truly impossible to believe when looking at its sweet, fluffy lamb head.

This one is easy. To properly utilize this stock photo you’ll need to follow these three steps

1: Gather your crew
2: Start a new punk band (are new punk bands still a thing?)
3: Purchase the domain ihatebottles.com for the low price of $11.99

BOOM.

Please don’t let a lack of musical talent stop you and the future other members of I Hate Bottles from winning a Best New Artist Grammy. You’ve already got a great album cover and t-shirt design, so keep this momentum going. You’ve got this! I am already your number one fan.

Like most of the stock photos on this list, I honestly have no idea what the intended purpose was with this one. The only plausible explanation is that someone out there was creating a special summer camp for children with food allergies and realized there was a severe lack of marketing materials available.

The gluten-free children are sure to steer clear of any pasta if it looks like it wants to savagely murder them. I’m not gluten intolerant, but I promptly gave up spaghetti after seeing this image, and that was almost two years ago.

Teachers, it’s time to stop all these boring “founding father” lessons. If you want kids to care about someone like Ben Franklin, you need to step up your game. Sure, it’s important to remember good old Ben signed the Declaration of Independence and proved lightning was electricity, but today’s kids can’t relate to that.

Teenagers need to know historical figures were just like them. They probably wore ugly thrift store hats and listened to obscure bands before the rest of their friends. Your students probably think using a fake name to troll people anonymously is their thing. But guess what, teens, Ben Franklin already did that and he did it without the help of the Internet. Let your students know they will never be as bad ass as Ben. Ben was excellent at handing out sick burns when someone crossed him, and he would have way more Instagram followers.

Are you on the board at Citizens Against Legalizing Marijuana (aka CALM)? I don’t subscribe to your particular stance here, (aside from that acronym, that’s good stuff) but I’m a naturally generous person. I’m going to help you out.

Feel free to track down this iStock image and use it for your home page. Right now you’re showcasing smiling children, but is that really the message you want to send? If kids see that they will want to immediately get high. You need to show them if they even think about smoking a joint they will die. It will be such a horrible death their friends and family won’t even bother burying them. Slap the tagline “GET HIGH, DIE ALONE” on this photo and call it a day, my friend.

I’m very serious about helping this suggestion become a reality. These adorable little superhero clothes pins are all the inspiration you should need to write the next great children’s book. I can see it now, “The Adventures of Pinch and Spring!”

I have no idea what crimes these two lovable wooden crusaders are fighting against because frankly, that’s your job. All I know is it needs to happen, and soon. Think of the children, and the future of clothes pins everywhere. Don’t let the fact that these are inanimate objects discourage you. If Sponge Bob can be a thing, surely there is a place out there for a crime-fighting piece of wood with a big heart.

There you have it, another blog post about weird stock photos exists. If you learned anything, I hope it’s that stock photos are somehow even weirder than you imagined. Not everyone has the drive to find and collect them like I do, but now that you know they exist you can use these ideas in all their absurd glory. You have your assignments. Don’t you dare disappoint me.