Be careful what you wish for
I have always seen myself as a potential project manager ever since I was assumed to be the secretary of all beings I encounter. But the moment I was officially promoted as one, I suddenly do not have any idea what to do about it.
I know I have always dreamed of that title. I have always wished it were something official, something I can put in writing. Black and White. Just the right title. But then…
Cold feet. Cold as ice — I doubt myself, my capabilities, my everything. Am I ready for this position? I doubt. Shall I step down then while it’s still early? My emotional self wants to run and hide from the world while my adventurer self wants to take this as a challenge.
So I said “yes”.
But before that, I was in the middle of things — middle of everyone — trying to understand all sides even if I do not really understand them totally. “you brought this upon yourself,” echoed in my head after a few painful words from other people. And yes, I brought this to myself, who am I to complain about it, right? I brought this to myself, who am I to breakdown and feel bad and doubt myself more, right?
Everything is chaotic. Some people think I can do this; others think I am incapable of handling anything; there are those who pushes me to do more and learn everything I can while I am in the middle of the battlefield; and there are those who’s just waiting for me to fail consistently. I am lost. Me who’s easily affected by words.
Until one day I was appointed as Project Manager. Like, nani??? Everything is happening so fast. Not long ago I was a mere writer: a short, cheerful member of the writing team who laughs like a hooligan. Then I became a Project Lead: an individual who manages a small project under a bigger project. Then I became a Liaison for a week or two then suddenly a Project Manager?! It’s like throwing me here and there just to see what I would do. But I just said “yes” to every single one of them.
Me. Who does not enjoy the company of human beings. Me. Who does not know how to have a proper conversation with a single soul. Me. Who can only express through writing and never with spoken words. Me. Who does is not well-versed with grammar rules and technical writing. Me. Who only does a lot of thinking every minute of every day and has a messed up brain with lots of ideas here and there. Me. Who does everything I can to avoid conflict. Me. Who is usually labeled as a ‘people pleaser’. Me. Who often breaks the rules just because. Me. Who loves to rebel for no particular reason. Me. Who is playful at everything be it work or words. Me. Who does not have time management skills despite the effort I put on every aspect of my life. Me. Who would rather agree than deal with strong personalities. Me. Who is messed up inside out like my unruly hair. Me. Who brings emotions to the table, 100% (and we all know that’s bad when it comes to career). What will happen to the projects if you choose me??? But of course my crazy personality says “bring it on” and here we are.
A rookie. A project manager of some sort. And you’ll feel other people’s eyes saying “Who Are You?”
