With Programmers: Week nth
original post date from old blog: June 16, 2021
I might be the only person who hated and continues to hate online meetings and collaborations. I guess you can say I am one of those who never adjusted to “the new normal”. But here we are on our third week, in online meetings and whatnot.
And I can only blame myself for where I am right now… having online meetings instead of that old-school face-to-face meetings that I hold so dear.
Why I hate it? One, I cannot express my thoughts properly when I cannot see the person I am talking to. And two, I cannot see the person or people I am talking to, therefore I cannot know what each one of them are thinking. Even if I do not exactly know what they’re thinking, facial clues no matter how small they are and under the mask, it helps me understand them better. Even if sometimes you will find us not as agreeable with one another as one would expect, and that is normal (I’d like to believe).
But then…
Whatever happened in people’s minds while am gone y’all? Yes, I am thankful for everything. Yes, I am thankful for small steps into getting acquainted with others. And yes, I am thankful for a change in job titles. But my heart is racing right now. I can’t help but worry about everything.
What if I fail? What if I do not satisfy their wishes? What if I am not enough? And I know that I will never be enough (can’t help but sing here). What if I suddenly… you don’t know what’s going to happen, but what if…
so many ifs.
Okay. I have a lot of ideas. I have a lot of things I want to share. The blueprint I am preparing should just be fine but because of the “now”, I am stuck with a PowerPoint I cannot control. And, I cannot express those ideas properly. I do not have enough paper, enough markers, enough sticky notes, enough screen to tinker my brain and get to work. All I can do is list the things and when called upon unprepared, I can only give a crappy summary with no clear intentions whatsoever. One might think I am not serious, but hey. I am seriously out of my mind for thinking that I can pull off my best qualities in here.
Internally, I plead. Please, please, please. Just give me a few more days. Just a few more and I assure you that my mind and heart is in the game. All I need is 2 full days to do it.
