Mr ‘Alright for now’

I always wished that I’d meet a nice guy and when I finally do I find myself bored and wanting something else.

He’s not Mr ‘Wrong’ but he’s not going to be the love of my life. Just writing this I feel guilty. I have the thought that I should break things off sooner rather than later but I like him and he keeps me company so I don’t. The advice from my friends is ‘he’s Mr ‘Alright for now’ just let it take its natural course’.

He started talking to me about 9 months ago. It all started a few days after I told his mate to ‘do one’ in so many words. To cut a long story short I slept with his friend one night after a party after getting drunk and crying on him. He lead me on acting like he like me which never materialise so in the end I told him where to go.

After that the timing felt strange and I was sure he knew about me getting with his mate but the curiosity got the better of me when he invited me to join a group of mutual friends on an afternoon out (he didn’t know and when he eventually found out he spent a day not talking to me). Several drinks later and we ended up in bed together.

The sex that night was rubbish but it was the way he spoke to me that stood out in my mind. The way he told me what he wanted to do to me. I unashamed dirty talk that took me aback was the one thing that mad me wonder what else was hiding there.

I agreed to a proper date and could tell he was nervous, but the nerves were always cured after some ‘Dutch courage’. This carried on for a few weeks, each date followed up with drunken sex which gradually improved. I warned him to stay away from me but he didn’t listen.

After a while he asked me if I was his girlfriend and whether we were exclusive. I said ‘yes’ and broke things off Mr ‘Mysterious’ (fortunately he didn’t seem to bothered about it and I was back after a week but that’s another story). When I said ‘yes’ I felt like I said not to upset him rather than saying it because I meant him, that felt like a bit of role reversal.

As time crept on began being really clinging and always wanted to be under my feet. I told him I didn’t like that and that I wanted to call it a day. I get like I crushed him. He was upset and promised me he would change so I gave him another chance. He is the only guy that I know that’s actually changed when he said he would. He’s no longer clingy, he trusts me and lets me have my space. That just makes the guilt kick in a bit more.

He started telling me he loved me and I told him back because I didn’t want to hurt him. I knew that his ‘I love you’ came from a naive place, that kind of ‘I love you’ that happens when your a teenager.

Our sex life gradually depleted and the relationship now feels like we’re friends that hang out and possibly have sex once a month.

He can’t say I didn’t try though. I put my all in. I created an advent calendar in the lead up to Christmas with naughty gifts hoping to spice things up and give him ideas (not one thing has been used). I also arranged days out, bought little gifts and trinkets. I hoped that maybe if I threw myself in like I loved him it might eventually happen. I barely got a reaction from him and it didn’t change the way I felt.

He’s so sensitive and I find myself not opening up to him as not to upset him. He shuts down every time I talk about anything serious or anything that upsets me.

I feel awful as I’ve completely withdraw from him but maybe it’s for the best.

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