Word Vomit You shouldn’t Read

A year and a half ago my biggest dream came true. I married my best friend. He’s tall dark and handsome, makes me laugh, squeezes me tightly when he sees me, cleans the dishes without being asked, has the most attractive shoulders (apparently I really appreciate a man with a nice back), is extremely trustworthy, and challenges me in so many ways I do life.

Since March 10th 2016, a lot of energy has gone toward creating a vision for what our lives together could look like. We’ve clung onto each moment together and eagerly made memories that we hope will bring great joy to us when we’re older and strapped down to a scheduled life as working parents. We’ve had endless conversations about the “what if’s” in life trying to assess how congruent our world views are. We’ve learned how to dream together, do life, build relationships, manage money, share responsibilities, and continue to attempt to bring out the best in each other.

These past few years have been so much about “us” that the countless hours and endless list of goals and dreams that I was working on when I was single, have hit the back burner.

My perspective of life has switched from focusing just on “me”, and now is about “us” and “our” life. I’ve started to view everything and take into consideration all of Matt's world views, values, hopes and dreams before making any decisions now. It’s confusing! Matt and I are very similar in some things, but we’re also so different in others, and now I have a voice inside me advocating for both of us. It used to be easy to differentiate Matt's voice from mine, but now they seem to have suddenly merged closer together. It’s become hard for me to recognize my own sub conscious, my own ego, and my own passions and gifting lately! Talk about crazy for someone who considers them self to be very self reflective!

We just got back from backpacking South East Asia for two months, and now that I’m back on the job hunt, I wonder what the healthy amount of focus on “my” own life is? I’m at another intersection of my life where I get to make a rather large decision that dictates the direction I’ll head. Will I settle for a mediocre job that doesn’t pay well, I’m not passionate about, and don’t have the opportunity to move up in? Or will I be willing to make sacrifices to make advancements towards a specialized career field that I WANT to be in, and feel like I’m continuing to learn, and be challenged to use and develop new skills?

We’ll I guess I got the boy before figuring out this whole career thing.

When I was 5 years old, my mom asked me what qualities I wanted in my future husband. Apparently I wasn’t picky at all and just wanted my man to be a “baby maker and money maker”. Growing up I always thought I’d be a stay at home mom. I thought that my kids would be my pride and joy. I still believe parenthood will be one of the most amazing journeys in life, but i’m much more apprehensive now since I've spent a lot of time with kids and have seen more of the unrewarding, ugly side of things than I’d like.

It seems the more time I spend with other peoples kids, the less eager I am to have my own because I’m recognizing how big of a sacrifice it is for parents. You can’t as easily go out with your girlfriends spontaneously, or go on weekend get aways, or choose to be irresponsible when you have to worry about taking care of your family. I love being spontaneous and having little responsibilities holding me back from doing whatever I want, whenever I want. I don’t want to have to consider anybody else before doing what I want.

I’m completely lost about whether or not I want to be a stay at home mom or working mom, send our kids to public school, or home school our kids myself. Although it seems like there’s hardly even an option these days for families to live on only one income with how expensive things are!

Current thoughts about having kids

Matt and I have been watching This Is Us and gosh is that a good conversation starter! The Mom in the show, Rebecca, puts all her energy in being the best mom she can be. Everything she enjoyed to do for herself seem to end as soon as she’s a mom. Her dreams, hobbies, friendships, careers, ambitions all end. And she resents her husbands and kids for it whenever she’s angry because her whole life changed as soon as they had kids. She hardly recognizes herself anymore! Part of her joy of parenthood was robbed because she gave more than she was capable of doing and maintaining a healthy life.

Hmmmmn. I know what kind of parent I want to be, but how the heck do I do that? What kind of parameters do I need to put around my schedule when I am a mom to ensure I am able to give whole heartedly to my family, avoid resenting the sacrifices I make, build close bonds with my kids, and also be able to enjoy other aspects of my adult life?

PS no were not too baby crazy yet or planning to get pregnant any time soon, but I am trying to coordinate how much energy I want to put into my career field, and if it’s worth getting a masters degree now or later. Everything seems so interconnected when it comes to decision making that it can be paralyzing.

We’ll for now I guess I’ll just get back to indeed and apply for some jobs and see where that leads.

Not sure what’s to come in 2019. I’m in a season where things are continuing rather than following an expected progression like when you’re in school or a program. I guess it’s a good time to reflect back on my own dreams and ambitions and check in with that classic Jenna question, “am I on track to be who I want to be when I’m 40?” . The role model I had of who I wanted “future” Jenna to be like is no longer in my life or someone I’d look up to, so I need to spend some time re- creating that image.

Peace out audience of zero,

Jenna

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