The Pros and Cons of Having a Little Human
(…but not anytime soon)
My 25th birthday is less than six months away and being almost halfway to 50 freaks me out. Also currently freaking me out is not the fact that I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years now, but that people really do start labeling you soulmates and ask when they can expect your wedding invitations (at least four more years, Nana).
But I can handle those pesky relatives. What’s really scary is when people start asking you if you want children. Here’s my gut reaction: “Woah! Back off with the loaded questions.” One of my friends was recently flabbergasted when I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids. My mom laughs it off while informing me I could handle it if slash when it happens. And did I mention my Nana earlier? She shot back with the “fun fact” that she had three kids by the time she was 25. No thanks.
However, I’m a people-pleaser, an over-thinker, and a list-lover; so, I’m making my favorite type of list to see if I do want kids or not.
The Cons and Pros of Living With a Little Human
I’m not a crazy people-pleaser though, so I’ll begin with the cons:
I’ll have way more money without kids. Maybe a slightly selfish or materialistic reason for the top, but I don’t have any kids so I’m allowed to be! The average cost of one kid (and once one pops out, there has to be a second. #NoOnlyChildSyndrome) is about $245,000. And there are three reasons that number is grotesquely low as I look at my bank account that’s about $240,000 shy of being able to support a little human.
One, that amount from Gallup is from birth to 18; I’m in full adulting mode at 24 with a full-time job and my mom still pays some of my bills- she won’t be allowed to read this as she’s weening me off one phone call at at time- and health insurance. Second, $245,000 is for the bare minimums and assumes you’re a skilled bargain hunter, which unfortunately is not my forte. Sports, back-to-school shopping, haircuts, birthday parties, any social activities so the child isn’t isolated in an empty bedroom- anyone else hear that number fly up to one million. Loud and clear. Third, college. Enough said, really, but let me demonstrate for fun. I attended an out-of-state public college costing roughly $36,000 a year in tuition. So times that by four years (I did work to pay for housing, sorority fees, and activities) and that fully-dependant human just made you $389,000 poorer. Pessimistic way to look at it? Maybe, but don’t hate the factual messenger.
I’ll never face my irrational fears associated with parenthood. I assume the rumors are true and everyone is a little nervous for their first baby; the responsibilities are huge. Because really, what could go wrong relaxing by the pool, or while taking a nap, or while eating dirt at the park, or playing with other germ infested babies, or when realizing the rubix cube and car seat are both masters of making you feel dumb? Anything and everything could go wrong.
But those are just the rational fears. I also worry about the “bad egg” syndrome. In all seriousness my mom wasn’t the perfect child- there’s countless stories with my mom and aunt sneaking out, getting caught by the popo, destroying the house with parties, and those are the G rated things. My grandma even says she once wished I was a little more rebellious to give my mom a taste of her own medicine. I’m pretty sure my grandma was more on the angelic side as myself- so what if the bad egg syndrome skips a generation? Like the redheads, you know.
Not to mention not all babies are equally cute (admit it), or what if they get picked on, or turn into a psychopath. I’ll stop before my deep inner-crazy is exposed.
Sleeping and alone time will remain my companions. If I have kids, they’ll be my long-lost friend, at least for ten years give or take. I’m currently watching living-proof of this now. My manager just had a beautiful baby and to say he’s happy about the new addition is an understatement. Saying every time I walk by his desk I wonder if he’s learned how to work with his eyes closed is also an understatement. I also refer to myself as an introverted extrovert. Most of the time I want to be talking with someone, meeting someone new, not experiencing FOMO, but I also need and appreciate some me-time. I’m confident parenthood cancels that out, for at least five years and every night for at least ten. Also, I hear stress ages you and the irrational fears con is currently still stressing me out so what would a crawling, crying person do to me?
It’s the realest form of adulting. The fact that I’m still calling it adulting and that five out of ten of the latest Facebook posts on my wall are my friends and mom making fun of me as I try to navigate said adulting should say a lot on their own. This con is basically just saying it’s not the right time for me. Too bad there’s no rent-a-baby system so you can discover when the right time really is; though, I’m confident my first child, if I have a first child, will be a surprise also known as an accident.
*Disclaimer: I know I’m only 24, so this point will surely disappear relatively soon.
So there’s my cons. But in true Virgo fashion, a decision list is not complete without a pro-side.
…
Bueler…
Just kidding. I come from a loving family and all my Aunts and Uncles are proud and happy parents. After writing out those cons, I can see how they fade away once the hormones kick in that help me forget how painful childbirth was. Except the money one- I need to be a millionaire, clearly. Anyhoo, without further ado I present my pros:
My marriage has a better shot at happily ever after. While I may still be debating on children I do want to get married… and only once. Divorce seems to run in my family with my grandma at four, my aunt at two, and my mom at one; so admittedly, I’ve spent some time googling marriage and divorce statistics. Having children decreases your chance of divorce by 40 percent!
Yes, that deserves an exclamation point.
But it’s a good thing twins or triplets don’t run in my family, because then the mathematicians, statisticians, or whoever crunches these numbers say marriages are 17 percent more likely to end in divorce.
*Disclaimer 2: Hopefully, that 40 percent isn’t just because they’re waiting for their kids to be adults like stories we all hear. Also, I don’t think kids are the answer to saving a marriage…plus I already know the secrets to a lasting marriage ;)
They’ll be more good people with my genes out there. The world may be overpopulated and people may be sending empty threats to move to Canada, but when the “more” people are your own and your little self-world is doing okay, then it’s not a bad thing. If I can get the parenting thing even half-right, I’ll see a helpless little human become a smart, caring, motivated, fearless person take on the world. And then I can be one proud momma who also grows-up from the mom getting her exercise by running up and down the youth soccer field cheering on her future pro-athlete to the sobbing old lady watching her baby walk across the stage to get their PhD.
They’ll be your permanent buddy. I remember going to the nail salon with my mom every two weeks for a fresh mani-pedi girls day. I walked from the pedicure area to the nail dryers on my heels because I was so scared I’d mess them up, and believe me all the ladies thought it was so cute. As do I when I see mini-mes doing the same thing now. Currently, I usually get my nails done on my lunch break because it’s helplessly boring, so that does sound more fun. But to take a more serious note, maybe alone time won’t be as necessary when there’s someone you love so much following you around.
I imagine most of the pros come along with the daily experiences of being a parent as those three are all I have for now. They’re surprisingly convincing though, don’t you think?