Mostly Unpublished…

Unpublished

I started writing some years back, unpublished — it was more a therapy for me, a way to “tell” my story but still keep it a secret. The shame, embarrassment and quite frankly a big level of denial prevented me from actually talking about my daughter’s DRUG addiction to real people — so I documented much of it and just kept it to myself.

Looking back now, and reading my unpublished secret blog, I cringe at so much of what I wrote — 20/20 hind-sight is a wonderful, but painful thing. So many of the situations I thought were real, were lies. So many of the times she went into treatment, I thought she was going to be saved, she wasn’t. So many of my hopes were dashed. So many of my writings were blaming myself. I spent way too much time contemplating what I could have done differently, and asking myself where I went wrong.

This self abuse took away from what I should have been doing at that time — practicing tough-love, facing facts, believing actions not words, and taking care of myself mentally and emotionally so I could function.

In Nov 2013 I decided to share that my 24 year old daughter Brittany, was a heroin addict with my 523 Facebook “friends”. I didn’t preplan this, I just did it.

I posted a selfie of us and a brief story about how happy I was, driving her to treatment (for the 4th time, but nobody knew that part) and asking my friends for “positive thoughts and support” for us. Boom, there it was — my dirty little secret out for the world to see and judge. I didn’t know what to expect — haters, disgusted people, loss of friends, people whispering to each other about what a shitty-ass Mom I must have been. I braced for the worst, and told myself I didn’t really care what people think anymore anyway, so bring it on. I posted, slammed my laptop shut and went to bed, feeling weird.

But the opposite happened. The positive response of love and support was overwhelming. That post sparkled numerous messages from friends confessing their child’s addiction issue’s, thanking me for opening up and sharing and asking for advice. I was so relieved, and in some warped way felt comfort that I knew people suffering my same fate, and I WASN’T alone. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. But this process somehow helped me to accept where things were at and started the journey to saving myself and helping my daughter save herself.

As I chatted via messenger with my various friends dealing with this problem, it turned out I had years more experience dealing with a drug addicted child. That is not a brag, trust me. You see, one minute I was brimming with pride as my little precious was winning a Grade 7 math award; wearing braces, her cute little hair do, and makeup-less and fresh face to standing stunned in the ER after she was rushed to the hospital with alcohol poisoning during 1st period of Grade 8 in October, to using crystal meth use that following summer. She was on a mission to becoming a complete disaster by the age of 16; a rebel without a clue. My nightmare was just getting started and gaining momentum fast. I had no idea my life would be this — 14 years later.

I am in the process of gather and organizing my writings and will share them here, in hopes of connecting with other people that share my struggles and may need to hear what I have to say, have been through, and come out the other side with. Currently as I write this it is Nov 26th, 2017 and Brittany, my daughter is clean and sober, since July 1st 2016. She is living in her own condo, working full time and thriving. I couldn’t be happier and some days pinch myself to make sure it’s real.

This blog is about my journey.

xo