It’s A Little Like Flying A Plane With A Broken Propeller Through The Twilight Zone….With A Blindfold On….
Let’s talk about something super FUN like dating in 2017. And by super fun I mean torture. Literal torture.
You think it has the potential to be fun. You think it’s new beginnings and dates and great conversations that lead to more great conversations. You think you get an opportunity to figure out what happens next with someone who is also figuring out what happens next.
The romantic cotton candy cloud you decide dating will be after divorce is, well, a giant mushroom cloud of toxicity and nothing like cotton candy at all.
It’s been just about 21 years since I’ve been single. And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’ve never actually “dated” a lot in my life. Relationships have always evolved in the way they are supposed to I guess.
So when it comes to putting myself on display, there is NOTHING about that process that isn’t completely counterintuitive. A word I now use as a regular part of my day to day, because so many pieces of my life feel that way.
Dating apps. I could dive down a rabbit hole with these social cesspools that could take us from here to hell and back in a hot minute.
So let me get this straight.
Someone thought it was a better idea to create a VIRTUAL tool for finding your perfect mate.
Look at a picture. MAYBE read 5 words. Swipe left or swipe right.
That’s the ENTIRE formula?
Sounds completely infallible.
So I get bored one night and I do the thing. I create an account. I try to identify a few pictures of myself that don’t make me throw up in my mouth, and I’m officially a girl on a dating app.
I literally sat on my couch, by myself, and giggled. WHO.DOES.THIS? I’m a grown woman. With a brain. And a moral fiber.
Yet, there I sat.
It took me a minute to get brave enough to start swiping. But once you start, it becomes like a game.
I liken it to being in the car and scanning through radio stations. Yes, I may LIKE that song, but my favorite song may be on the next channel. So I go to the next.
I made the decision to do the thing and what’s the FIRST thing that happened? I swiped the wrong way. Yep. I accidentally went up instead of left. BOOM. SUPER LIKE!!! AND IT’S A MATCH!!!
I immediately snarfed water out of my nose, tried not to pee my pants, laughed so loud I probably woke the little girls next door, and had absolutely no idea what I had just done.
I couldn’t even tell you what he looked like!!!
Awesome. So we’re off to the races. I’m officially a swiper. And I’ve already screwed it up.
He immediately messages me. Of course he does.
I immediately freak out. OMG, DON’T TALK TO ME, I didn’t mean to do this!!!
I decide honesty is the way to go and explain that I was very sorry, but I had no idea what I had just done. Rookie move.
Unmatch. Begin again.
I can tell you approximately 22,000 stories about this world that make it the absolute worst possible way to meet a real human being.
There have been couples looking for a playmate. There have been men who have terrible manners. There have been more unrequested pictures of parts that have arrived than any person should ever have to tolerate. The list goes on for miles. And miles.
But here are my top 5 experiences instead. Because these 5 experiences basically represent every single thing every single woman has ever experienced in this world, I’m just sure of it.
1. A Catfish With A Fetish
My first actual experience with another “human” was with a guy who had a legit fetish. Yes, that’s a true story.
And I handled it exactly the way I handle taking an Uber. I hopped in the front seat and started asking all the questions. Because if I’m going to have a conversation with someone with an actual fetish, I want to get out of it knowing stuff. So I can tell you guys. Obviously.
At the end of the day, he was a married guy who posted pictures of someone else, looking for someone to engage him in ways his wife obviously wasn’t willing to.
As it turns out, neither was I. Next!!
2. Hey, I Know Him
This one can go one of two ways. Totally awkward or just moderately awkward.
Because here’s the reality ladies and gentlemen. NO. ONE. WANTS. TO. BE. ON. A. DATING. APP.
So when I stumble into someone I actually know? That means now they know I don’t want to be there and I know they don’t want to be there.
So what do I do?
Handle it exactly the way I handle taking an Uber. I hop in the front seat and start asking the questions.
Just kidding.
What I actually do is I always go left. Because if you go right on someone you know and they don’t go right, you want to immediately know WHY you aren’t “right worthy”. At the same time, if you go right on someone you know and they also go right? Panic and chaos ensues that immediately turns you into a 6th grade girl. And NOBODY has time for THAT!!
So basically it all comes down to science on this one. You can just call me Jill Nye.
3. Gru
This experience was an actual date. A conversation began. It lead to another conversation. And enough of those chains of events took place that when he actually asked me on a date I accepted the offer.
He was approximately 4’10”. And in every single way possible, he looked and sounded like Gru from Despicable Me. Go ahead, pull up You Tube and search for Gru and listen to a sound bite. I’ll wait.
I’m a follower througher. I gave him a chance. We sat at the bar of a restaurant, had a bite, had a drink, and had mediocre conversation in real life that made me question how I had even gotten to this point.
When it became obvious that the date was over, he walked me to my car and asked me if we could go back to my house and have sex.
Just like that. With his tiny little Gru accent. Plain as day.
Are. You. Kidding. Me?
I threw up a little in my mouth, said “no thank you”, hopped in my car and drove away. And texted everyone who knew I was on said date a picture. Of Gru.
4. A Needle In A Haystack
Every once in a while you find a needle in a haystack in this world. A real human. A person you can have an actual conversation with. And then another. And then another. And even though that person may not be the person you spend happily ever after with, they are a person you were absolutely supposed to run into on the planet.
So you cherish them. And you know that without this STUPID circumstance, you maybe wouldn’t have found each other. It’s the rarest of possibilities, but since it happened to me, I’m proof it can happen to anyone.
5. Well……That Was FUN
Ultimately, number 5 is where all the gaps get filled in. Because the fact of the matter is, right now, in this place, in this time, number 5 is kind of all that matters.
Life is heavy and hard right now. Challenges creep up at every turn. Finding my way and recreating myself takes a lot of work.
And I’m a grown up.
So if anything that even remotely looks like fun presents itself in a way that doesn’t get me hurt, that’s where I’ll be if you need me.
A top 5 list feels like scratching the surface. Because all things being equal, I’ll also tell you that if I had the ability to crate coursework for men (and women, because let’s be honest, we’ve got some things we need to improve on as well) regarding the completely freakish world of online dating, I would also do that in a heartbeat.
Because I’m going to tell you something……fellas, you need some help!!!
I can’t imagine what men see, but I can tell you what women see. And it can only be compared to something Barnum would pitch to Bailey as a new act.
Boys, put down your fish.
I’m sorry, is that a real sentence I have to say? Put down your fish?
There isn’t a woman alive who cares about whatever the hell it means that you use a picture of you holding a fish as a profile pic. I don’t care if she’s the daughter of the Gorton’s Fisherman’s himself. Put. It. Down.
While we’re at it……do the same for the sweaty gym selfies. Not that it’s not TOTALLY impressive that you can bench press my car and everything, but honestly, it doesn’t tell me anything about you that I need to know.
Because what I need to know is if you’re capable of having a conversation. Because guys? Conversations are hot. Real ones. Where you prove to me that you’re an actual human being. With real thoughts. And a real personality.
I don’t need you to be wildly successful. Or wealthy. Or spoil me rotten with grand gestures.
I need you to be a human being. Who I can sit and want to learn more about. Who I can LAUGH with.
THAT’S what makes a woman want to see what happens next.
So try letting us in a little without thinking we’re going to start naming babies and planning weddings.
This world allows for ease of use disposal. Block and delete, and on to the next. It makes human investment unnecessary. It makes tripping a wire of seeing behind the curtain improbable.
And most times, it leaves you far more lonely than you were before you got bored enough one night to try it.
But hey, it does keep my girlfriends and I with an endless supply of stories. And laughs. So at the end of the day, I’ll take it. Because some day, someone may come alone and surprise me. Here’s to hoping….

