Pink Sky at night sailors delight, Pink skies in the morning Sailors warning, welcome the the story of my life, my hell. Part 2
First, I want to thank you for your support, and I hope that I can help one person, as I share my story.
Where did I left off! Oh yes or so I thought so, well I will come back to that later. Right now, I want to finish the story, and then I will get more into depth, with areas of my story after.
So, after leaving my husband and getting a place for me and my babies. I had to start new, and find a way to deal, and move on and become independent and strong again, not only for me but for my babies. I mean here I am, 26 years old not a penny to my name or a job, starting new, with nothing but the clothes we had, and a few pieces of furniture.
Single mom with a 7-year-old, 3-year-old and 2-year-old, and the support of my family. I wanted to prove, to me and everyone else, that I could do it on my own. I had gotten myself in this situation, I was going to get myself out and above it. First to get a job, secondly daycare, and then register my 7-year-old in a new school, and deal also with the courts, custody, child support and a divorce. It was a lot to take on all alone, but I was determined to do so, and take back my life, prove I was strong and ready to be the best that I could be, and be a great mom to boot.
After meeting with my Lawyer, she directed that I seek counselling for me and the kids, and I did for all of us, that was the best thing I ever did, the hardest, because that is when I learned, that my soon to be ex husband, had been emotionally and physically abusing to our 7-year-old. One of his session, he drew a picture, of a figure holding another figure against the wall, one of the figure’s feet didn’t reach the floor, so I knew that was my son. I sat down with him, and we talked about his drawing, and what it meant, and that is when he told me, that one day when I was at an appointment, while his dad had fallen asleep on the sofa, he decided to change the tv station, and it woke his dad up, and it enraged him, and so he took my son, by the throat, pinned him against the wall to his level, where my son was now unable to touch the floor, he told him, “don’t you ever change the channel without asking for permission do you understand”, of course he understood, he was petrified, who wouldn’t be at that age, right ? He then told him that if he said anything to me, he would hurt me, and that I would hate him.
That was the day, I vowed to myself, to always have an open line of communication with my kids, that nothing would be off limits, that they could talk to me about anything, and that we would work through the topics at hand together, I never ever wanted my kids to ever feel they could not turn to me, or be afraid that I would hate them, because that is something I could never be able to do. My mom had always said to me, no matter what once a mom always a mom and that never changes no matter the age of your child.
After Three years, I met a new man, a good man, he was gentle, loving, caring and accepted my kids, and became the male figure in their life. It was all new, and we all had to make adjustments, but that is part of life. In the three years, court was still going on. I was awarded full permanent physical custody of my babies. My divorce and his police charges were still ongoing. He kept dragging it, in the hopes I would change my mind, and come back to him, he even tried saying that I could stay home, and never have to work another day in my life. Really at what expense? My life, my baby’s life, my self worth, like really. I was strong, and independent, loved properly, why would I give that all up, some peoples children I tell ya!!
One day, he came over, to see the kids as it was court ordered, it was a supervised visit, by myself and my boyfriend, who was 6 feet tall, 225 lbs, He was a firefighter, so he was strong. Now compare to his 5’6” 150 lbs he had no chance. We all felt secure with my boyfriend there. With everything that had happen, it is only understandable that my 7-year-old, was not happy and frighten to see his dad. Now can you imagine the nerve of this man to come in my home, and start yelling at our son to get his ass over to give him a hug, then turn to my boyfriend and say “don’t know why they act so scared of me I only disciplined them when I saw it fit to do so, and as for her she lied about the chair” He then took one of our kitchen chair to show what he presumably did. My boyfriend told him “listen I don’t care what you say you did, the evidence and proof speaks for itself, and you shouldn’t have even picked up the chair at all, you should have walked away knowing you were getting angry, just as plain as that.” Now he was not happy that he didn’t get anywhere with that, so he then turned his attention to our son, and told him to come give him a hug, and my son replied “NO”. He then tried to grab our son, but before he could, my boyfriend grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and brought him outside and told him he was no longer welcomed in and to our home.
That Week I was contacted by police, out of the Toronto outskirts, to informed me, that my ex had assaulted a woman, took her and pushed her into her car, and tried to drive away, with her as his hostage, luckily the woman got away, and they were able to arrest him. Once arrested, he had a knife, duct tape, and rope on his person. I can just imagine what his intention was, but this woman was safe, traumatized but safe, and alive. He was going to go to prison for some time now.
Another year goes by, my boyfriend and I become pregnant, and I had a handsome little boy, after 9 months I had return to College, we agreed that we were better friends then a couple, and we parted ways. The truth is, He was seeing other women online, and planned to go back home, to his maternal home in Michigan and I wasn’t going to beg him to stay. I mean I lost trust in him, and I was hurt, hurt for our son too. Now because he might suck as a loyal and faithful boyfriend, he was still a good dad, and he did love his son, and I wasn’t, and never did, take that from him.
So here I am now once again, a single mom now of 4 kids, going to college full time, working part time, and even though he was in Jail, I had yet to receive my divorce. One year had gone by when I became a single mom again. I had taken my health in hand, was going to the gym 4 to 5 days a week, for 45 mins, eating right, walking to college, and being a good mom. It was hard, but I had a great support system, met the greatest friends a girl could ever need in her life, I was happy. I finally get the call from my lawyer and I finally get my divorce, on that same day, one of my friends was also getting married and so I had even more reasons to celebrate that day, and yes I did! I was introduced to Tequila rose, and the father to my last son, that is right I had too much to drink, had to much fun, and was surprised 2 months later. The how I found out I was pregnant, is a funny story, and I think I need to put some good in this story too.
So here we are in class and my friend comes to me and says, “I am late!” I look at the time and say, “no class don’t start for another 10 minutes,” she looks at me and says, “no I am late! I have not had my period, and was due to start 6 days ago.” I look at her. and I say, “ OHHH!!, that late !!” So, she asked if after class we could go to the pharmacy and get her a test, and I said sure why not. So, we go to the pharmacy, and go back to the college and she hands me a test and said do it with me, and I laughed, like really, are we really doing this. Here is to sister’s solidarity! I figure what the heck, she comes out, happy she is not pregnant, and I come out and in shock because I am. Like really, I do this to be a good friend, and now I am the one pregnant, like what the hell. It took 4 tests to get into my head I was pregnant, and that I had to deal with it, oh boy now what am I going to do. So, I go to my OBGYN and make sure I am truly with child, and so he confirms it, ok now what, I should tell the dad and I do, he looks at me and says “but we only did it one time,” I guess someone, wasn’t listening in health class. Once it sank in for him, I never saw him again, so yes there was another man, who ran as fast as he could, to avoid being responsible for his child. That has been his biggest mistake and loss, because I have a handsome boy, that brings me so much joy and happiness in my life. He is such a happy, positive boy with a heart of gold, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything in this world. So yes, once again a man disappointed me, and I once again vowed to never get involved with a man again. I was going to concentrate on my 5 kids and be a great mom, finish college and provide for them, the best I could. I did just that, got 3 jobs that work well together I was able to be home for the kids after school and weekends and even had a month off in the summer, to be with them. I had it all! A good job, a family, a support system, a home, food in the fridge and my own independence, no man to answer to. Life was grand.
April 8, 2011, I get a call from my dad asking when I was coming over, I told him I was on my way, and so he said please come home soon. That was weird to me, I mean, I had spoken to my mom that morning, all was good, it was a good conversation, there was just that gut feeling, and the sound, in my dad’s voice, that told me something was not right, and I wondered, was it one of their dogs that died, was it a friend who had passed away, or had my eldest done something again, and yes that is another story for another day. So, I had 4 of my kids with me, and my best-friend son in the van, and so we made our way, as I got to my parents house, there was 2 police cars there, and I was then sure my son had done something. So, I made my way to the officer and asked them what had my son done, and that is when he told me my mom had passed away. How could that be, I had just spoken to her that morning, and all was good, but that didn’t matter, at that moment my dad needed me. So, I made my way to him. He was broken, he had just lost the love of his life, his best friend, his confidant, his everything, it was going to be there 50th wedding anniversary on the 27 of May. I lost my mom, but I didn’t have the time to morn her, I needed to help and take care of my dad.
Then May 5, 2012, my dad passed away and joined his beloved wife in heaven. I had now lost my parents. I stayed at the house for about 2 months after his death, and in that two months I still had to work and provide for myself and my kids. The end of May we had a bonfire, me my kids and one of my parent’s neighbors, whom I had known for a long time. It was for me, a way to morn my parents to chat and sing and reminisce about them. I had seen a falling star and wished on it, to meet a good man for me and the kids.
That week my eldest had been spending sometime next door with my neighbor's brother, who was a mechanic and teaching my son some tricks, so my son comes over and says, “Mom you got to meet this guy, he is so nice, he would be good for you.” I looked over, and here is this guy all dressed up, in leather biker gear head to toes, and long hair, and long sideburns and a mustache. I looked at my son and said, “Ahhhh NO, not my type.” So, a week goes by, I go out to cook on the BBQ, and there is that guy, outside playing football with his nephews, and that had impressed me, wow how sweet I thought. Now this guy had started to work on my son’s car, and so we got to talking and after a few days, I invited him over to my house for supper. He came over, we got to talking and started seeing each other, and I wondered was my wish granted?
We had been seeing each other on and off for a year, and we then moved together, things were, what I thought, going well, and on one March evening, he comes home, after having visited his dad, he tells me he couldn’t do this anymore. I was like, couldn’t do what? He told me, how I just wasn’t the woman he wanted me to be, he wanted someone that was a homebody, at his beck and call, that his ex wife had treated him so badly, so he wanted the best this time, and I was not that. Wow, right? He said I needed to be a better mother to my kids, that I sucked at it, this coming from a man that had left his family behind. He then explained how he needed to get some sleep now, as he had work in the morning. I was broken, out of nowhere, I went from cloud nine to hell, I was made to feel inadequate, incompetent and useless. My heart was truly broken, I didn’t understand, so he decides he wanted to go outside for a smoke, and wanted me to follow him, so I did, and he points at my car I had just bought, and says to me, “that, you not once talk to me about it, not once did you consider me.” He was right, but it was my car it was for work, I still didn’t understand. Once the numbness subsided, I asked him when would he be getting his things, and have his name remove from the lease, he then replied that he was trying to teach me a lesson, that he wasn’t going anywhere. That there, should have been a red flag, but instead, I had let that man inside my head, let him control my being, I just knew in the back of my head, and in my heart, things where never going to be the same again, but I let him stay.
I got sick, I was burned out, with all that I had gone through in the last 5 years, let alone, all before that. I was put on sick leave, and after talking at night and looking at all new possibilities, we decided to move to the Maritimes. He sold me, on the town he once lived and provided car repair services, as a great place to move to.
Not even a week there it was clear it had been the worse decision I had made, but I was determine to make it work. He had become bitter, negative, grumpy, and angry all the time, we walked on egg shells, because his mood swings were all over the place. He took me and the kids away from our friends, family, work, our roots, to where he once had a life, with is ex-wife the woman, he had nothing but negative things to say about, another red flag. Why would you want to go back there right?
Our relationship was a true roller-coaster, plus now he had started to call my boys names, and we would argued about that constantly, because I am their mom, and it is my job to protect and defend them. Every birthday got ruined, Why? Because someone didn’t eat there cake properly. The kids were having to much fun when at the table, he ruined Christmas, even though I tried so hard to make fun. He was sweet as pie in public, but behind close doors not so much.
A year ago we moved to PEI, and it was a wonderful change for me, people were nice and relaxed. I lived in a country setting, the ocean was outside my window, I was able to think and see that I had become that woman again, the one that let another person get in her head, tell her she was no good, that I was nothing, made to feel replaceable, and unwanted. He wouldn’t even sleep in our bed, he would say he didn’t because it hurt his back, but that the sofa was more comfortable, he picked on everything I did, that was wrong in his eyes, he never looked at the good, like coming home to a clean warm loving home, his coffee pot full of coffee, a supper waiting for him, his clothes cleaned washed folded and put away, I would give him his space after work, so he would decompress, but toward the end, the boys stayed in their rooms, they didn’t even want to associate with him, they felt unwanted, but needed to be present when people where around, to look good for show. I could sense everyone was unhappy him as well, and then an opportunity came forward, a new journey, a new opportunity, maybe this was an answer to bringing positivity into everyone lives, but no it was actually what ended the relationship.
He left for Alberta, he became distant, anything I said he took wrong, anything I said he wanted to fight about. I was not allowed to voice my opinion, or fears or question anything, without him thinking there was a motive, when all I had was a question that needed an answer. I would ask a question and he would say it was a secret, that I didn’t need to know everything, that is where I became suspicious, me wanting to know where we would live if we move to AB was a secret, got me wondering why? A few people had made mention that he was planning to leave me high and dry just like he had done to his previous family. He then said something at work that raised flags, and for that I was contacted, and now the truth was coming out, he had changed his phone and phone number, and told them he was not giving it to me. He had told us he would be coming back home for Christmas, but now he didn’t want to come home for Christmas and voices so at work, and when I brought it up to him to get answers. I was given and ultimatum, why what is the big deal. Why is he playing that game? that was now my thoughts. He says I dumped him, and I say because, I didn’t want to accept his ultimatum so, it meant it was done.
Once again, another man had used me verbally, played games with my head, my heart and used me financially, and to also find out by my boys, he did so with them and was also physical, and is being dealt with. I know today it was best for us all to part ways, even though he never understood this, my kids would and are always, my number one, my priority in my life, because that it what a good parent does. The good thing out of this last situation, is I have now been given a new family, a wonderful boss, who has given me a wonderful opportunity to shine, and grow as a woman, and a mother and she respects me as I deserve. I thought until 2 weeks ago that I was the problem, that I should have been that wife who is seen and not heard, but that is just not me, I am not perfect, and I have flaws, I can be hard headed and opiniated, and sometime naïve and paranoid, but that is what makes me, me. I will not change that for anyone ever again. I want everyone to be themselves and never let anyone tell them who you should be. You know you, and you are the best judge of you, and only you can decide enough is enough. Take it from me, life is not easy, and I have been through a lot, sometimes I feel I received more crap then anyone alone, but I have overcome, and will continue to better myself, and become wholesome again, and believe in myself. I know I will have a hard time, believing or trusting another man around me or my children, but that my friend is not my focus right now. My focus is to become strong self-sufficient, have self esteem, and be empowered, and share my story, and my desire to no longer be a victim, but a survivor, a winner against domestic violence. This took a lot of courage, and I am putting myself out there for the world to see, the good and the bad. In the end I hope my story can help others, even encourage people that are in the same boat, that they are not alone. No, it won’t be easy, but it is doable, just believe and trust in yourself. That is the first step to empowerment.
Thank you for taking this time, and being with me, in this new journey. I will be posting everyday, a new series, that will explain, more in depth my story, the good, the funny, the sad, the horrors and the losses. Please continue to follow me in this journey that I am sharing with you.
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