Someone you care about was just outed as a sex creep: a beginner’s guide

Hello. I’m guessing you’re a Neil Gaiman fan and you’re trying to figure out how to process the news that he’s just been accused of being a sex creep. Maybe this is your first time, or maybe it’s been a while since the last person you cared about was accused (Joss Whedon, Kevin Spacey, Mario Batali, Louis C.K….I’d go on, but what’s the point?). Here are some tips to help you deal with it.

Also, before we go any farther, know that this is not meant to be a referendum on whether or not Gaiman is guilty of what he’s been accused of. It’s simply a guide for how to navigate the situation fairly, without letting your heart overrule your reason.

I will be using masculine pronouns to describe said sex creeps throughout. Sure, women and non-binary folks can also be sex creeps, but let’s face it, they’re mostly cis dudes because society is happy to let them get away with this behavior so long as they keep making bank.

Your initial inclination is going to be to disbelieve the accusations, especially if you are friends with or have had multiple personal interactions with him. Congratulations! You are human. But before you go leaping to defend him, ask yourself this:

• Do you actually know for sure that he didn’t do what he was accused of?
• Like, really, do you have proof?

If not, then you might want to resist the immediate urge to defend him and instead sit back and educate yourself on the accusations and watch how they unfold.

Q: But he denies it!

A: They almost always do, or they say it was consensual. But notice the power and/or age differences between him and his accusers. Did they really have the ability to say “no” to him without repercussions? Could his cultural standing have put them in a position where they felt they should cater to his desires, regardless of what they actually wanted or didn’t want to do?

Q: Why are you bringing age into this? Everyone in this situation was an adult. Age differences shouldn’t matter so long as everyone is above the age of consent.

A: In a perfect world, that would be true. But trust me, when you’re young, especially if you’re a young woman, you don’t have much practice saying “no” and enforcing boundaries. And you’d better believe that the sex creep, who is often multiple decades older than his victims, knows that.

Q: But he was in an open relationship and his spouse/partner didn’t seem like a victim. What gives?

A: What gives is that successful sex creeps are successful for reasons. Many have no trouble compartmentalizing their behavior and acting one way towards their partner and another way towards their victims.

Q: Why did they wait so long to come forward?

A: Hello — do you see how they get treated when they do?

Q: I’m hearing that he was a missing stair in the publishing/fandom community for decades, and that lots of people knew about his proclivities. Why didn’t anyone say something publicly?

A: See above.

Q: He’s being tried in the court of public opinion. Isn’t that unfair?

A: You’re right that it’s nearly impossible to defend yourself in the court of public opinion, and this is why it’s so important to sit back and keep paying attention. Often initial accusations embolden other victims to speak up. Let’s take Joss Whedon as an example. When his ex-wife Kai Cole accused him of repeatedly cheating on her with the young women on his shows, most folks went, “Okay, that’s not great, but lots of people are terrible spouses and should we really cancel them all?” That was 2017. Then in 2020, stories about his bad behavior on the Justice League set came out, which led to folks from Buffy and Angel coming forward with even worse stories of how he treated women on set and in the writer’s room. Does this escalation of accusations always happen? No. Maybe this time he’s not a sex creep, or perhaps he’s only a minor sex creep who has hopefully learned a lesson about sunlight being the best disinfectant. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Q: Accusations like this never go away. How is this fair?

A: Not true! Remember the George Takei sexual assault accusation? Fandom was heartbroken by it, but over time as more information came out, it became clear that it was very likely not true. This is why it’s so important to keep paying attention no matter how you feel about the potential validity of the accusation upon first hearing about it.

Q: Isn’t this kink-shaming?

A: Kink involves enthusiastic consent that can be revoked at any time during the encounter.

Q: But he’s an important ally and the people who outed him clearly have an agenda.

A: Yeah. This one’s tough. You can be a great ally, a great artist, a good friend, a good spouse/partner, AND a sex creep all at the same time. And yes, the folks who outed him are trying to invalidate his allyship. This is where it really gets difficult. Do you separate the art from the artist and continue to support his work so you can support the community he’s an ally to? Do you wait to consume his product until it’s available for free at the library? Do you cut him off altogether? That’s a decision only you can make. You may also want to weigh who else might be hurt if you walk away in the case of sex creeps who have TV series or movies that employ people who you actively want to support.

Q: It doesn’t seem fair that this is going to derail his entire career.

A: Don’t worry. It won’t. Dudes always get another chance.