No Partner-sized-hole Required — Your Castle is Perfect As-Is
Note | 19 minutes ago
To: Those who are happy, whole and single; and
To: Those who want to prove us wrong

Dear Wall-Breaker:
When you come across a person who has found a way to be healthy, happy and single. With tall, impressive, stalwart walls around their heart and a confusing contentment with the situation, don’t take that as a challenge. They aren’t wrong to accept that it is statistically unlikely they will find a partner that is a good match for them. They aren’t wrong because they have found their peace with being single or poly-single, they aren’t wrong because they don’t have a partner-sized-hole in their heart.
Look closely… are they happy? content? living life well and to the fullest? If so… don’t take it upon yourself to prove them wrong. So often we think if we can just show someone that connection is needed, that relationships can be safe and fulfilling, somehow that will make them happier and open to more in life.
The truth is, the only guarantee those people have is that THEY can build the life they want for themselves and fulfill their own needs. There’s no guarantee anyone else can, or will and they have found contentment in that guarantee. There’s no need to work to get their attention, ‘up your game’ to get them to open up, lead them into a relationship with you and prove that a partner is necessary. Especially (and this is really important), most especially, if you have to increase your capacity and output to prove it to them because when you go back to being yourself you will have proven them right again. Everyone fails everyone, some of us are just tired of that truth.
But so often you feel you have to show them that they too need to have a partner-shaped-hole in their heart, just like most everyone else. Just like you. So you dig under the wall, or you squeeze through a crack somewhere that they missed, or you slowly chip away carefully to make an entrance, and then you dig and scratch and dynamite your way to make a partner-sized-hole in their heart where you can fit for a while, and when you’re done and satisfied that they have seen that a partner is important… you stop, stand back, and feel satisfied that you’ve taught them to me “normal” and “healthy”, and then you leave or you take a break.
Oh boy! You’ve really accomplished something… now they too have a partner-sized-hole in their heart (as they “should”). And they ache and they want and they desire a partner.
But then they do what comes most naturally to them. They do what healthy, strong bodies do… they begin to heal that hole. Right away, if they are practiced at self-repair. People’s hearts aren’t mountains, you can’t make a hole you fit into and expect it to be there in five years. For some of us, the repairs will begin in days or weeks and you will return in a month or two and find a re-built rebar-enforced, solid pour concrete wall with bolted on iron armor. The hole is gone and the wall is stronger. And the effort to get back in will be ten-fold and you’ll wonder why and you think you’ve failed.
The castle owner will inspect the repairs, approve the bill and move on with their initial belief that they don’t need a person-sized-hole in their heart any more than they need another hole in their head. In fact, they will probably think about how to avoid having that happen the next time. Not only will you have failed, but you’ll have made it harder for the next wall-breaker, eventually, maybe you’ll all just give up with this approach (read the last section for a far better approach).
Dear Castle-Owner:
You’re perfect just the way you are: whole or continuing repairs; growing or resting; decorating the castle walls or doing renovations; and you’re happy and you’re safe. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You don’t owe anyone room in your heart and you don’t need to have a partner-sized-hole if you don’t want to. You aren’t broken or wrong because you are happy being single.
Dear Knight-at-the-Door:
I know, you have your own castle and you’re awesome. Don’t use the wall-breaker’s approach. Just ride up on your white horse, being your awesome self, knock on the door and ask me to come out for a ride. Then let me go home to my castle. Maybe, given time, I’ll invite you in. You’ll find lots of rooms, none of which you had to build and all of which are fun and beautiful to me.
Most sincerely,
The Gate-Keeper, Castle-Owner and Her-Own-White-Knight
