It’s Your Life, Your Cover Letter!

I was talking with a friend who is interested in getting back out into the workforce after many years of being a stay home mom. She was trying to figure out a way to explain certain gaps in her work history, but was coming up with lame excuses that any employer would see right through. I told her to get creative with it. She asked me to show her what I meant by creative. So I did a mock up cover letter for what her resume might look like…

Dear (insert name of HR head),

Instead of creating a magnificent illusion on paper for you, I prefer to not sugar coat anything. I won’t bore you with how creatively I can find ways to talk / write about myself without using the word “I” at the beginning of every sentence. I will start damn near every sentence with “I”. It’s direct, quick, and well, this is about my doings. Makes sense.

I have made it, thus far, to age 45. That, in and of itself, is quite an accomplishment. I have a Bachelor’s Degree from The University of South Carolina with a major in Media Arts, or as I prefer to call it, my concentration in “Starving Artist”. I was on the eight year plan by choice, which means, regardless of the type of degree I hold, I was able to put up with four extra years of red tape bullshit, more than most young adults could or ever would, in order to maintain the “student status” of life and, therefore, continue partying for as long as possible. I have always had my priorities straight. Not to mention, my work ethic, drive, and endurance far exceeds that of those who merely have four year degrees.

I have held some pretty amazing, prestigious jobs. I have also had reasonable amounts of down time in between jobs of such magnitude. It takes time to regroup after being that amazing for so long, before it can be done again. As you can imagine, brilliance is a process.

I want a job now because I am really tired of my “mom clothes”. I am a very attractive 45 year old woman with an outspoken personality, plus the body and the smile to kill for, yet I’ve been held hostage as a stay home mom, until now. I’ve done my best with those two kiddos. For instance, they both know how to walk, talk, feed and clothe themselves, and use the smart phone to call me if they knock the house down and are trapped in the rubble. Should some creeper come to the door, they both know not to answer the door, but to let our five large dogs handle the situation properly. So, as I am wrapping up my contractual obligations with them, I am putting my brilliance back out into the workforce for hire.

I am looking for a position that pays me large sums of money for a job well done. I am talking a minimum of six to eight figures annually, with benefits, and a company SUV. This position must have flexible hours and involve paid travel to some amazing places around the globe. I do not like people, so I would also require my own office and no group efforts please.

Should you find yourself curious to know more about me and how I might well benefit your company, please contact me via email, as my son may have swiped my phone to play games for a bit, and he will most certainly not answer my calls. As my portfolio speaks for itself, and my business and personal recommendation letters are numerous, I’d be glad to send them for you to review at length.

I will be interviewing companies next week who have already submitted their bids of interest to me. If you would like to be included in the process, please let me know at your earliest convenience so I that may work you into my schedule. It’s been a pleasure so far, and I look forward to seeing your bid.

(your name here)