“Caffeinated Jen is Scary”

A review of Philz Coffee by a coffee drinking noob

With one last week of winter break remaining, I’m officially in “YOLO-SAVOR-EVERY-MOMENT-DO-ANYTHING-AND-EVERYTHING” mode. Naturally, this newfound courage to shepherd as many new experiences under my belt and maximize the enjoyment of my responsibility-and-worry-free life before I shuffle off to school again (let me tell you, there’s nothing more motivating than the prospect of school starting) propelled me to visit the much-hyped Philz Coffee that recently opened in nearby San Mateo. You’ve probably heard of Philz Coffee. It’s all the rage. Your Instagram posts most likely brought me there in the first place.

If you know me, you probably know that I don’t drink coffee. At all. Amy Poehler and I both agree that coffee is one of those things that smell better than it tastes. As much as I want to like coffee, my taste buds and stomach just can’t be convinced. So the whole car ride over, I revelled in the irony that my mom and I were visiting Philz for the first time — by my suggestion. (After all, if you can’t amuse yourself, who can?) Anyway, I’ve spent way too much of winter break passing time in Starbucks as an excuse to get out of the house and desperately need a change of scenery in my few remaining blissfully-carefree days so I figured, “Ah-what-the-heck. Why not?”

When I finally spotted Philz’s brown name-plate swinging ever-so-softly in the breeze on South B Street, I got weirdly excited. Because in case you forgot, I don’t even drink coffee. I think it has something to do with social media’s-totalizing-control-over-modern-society that critics have been trying to warn us about. I’ve seen so many posts proclaiming love for this place that I have unconsciously developed a fondness for the coffee shop I really have no business visiting. Maybe it’s some evolved form of Stockholm Syndrome — the more I shouldn’t like something, the more I inexplicably end up liking it. Or maybe it’s more complicated and has something to do with Freud’s Penis Envy theory. I don’t know. Who cares.

The first thing I noticed about Philz was its location. It is oh-so-strategically located diagonally between San Mateo’s C.R.E.A.M (Cookies Rule Everything Around Me) and T-Pumps, two extremely-hyped-up places whose true appeals I never quite figured out. Either way, both are extremely popular hang-out places for students and young professionals alike. Philz was a recent addition to the block. The three stores formed San Mateo’s Bermuda Triangle of Sweet-Tooth-Stay-Away. Well-played Philz, well-played.

I sauntered in and was instantly glad that I had been affected by Philz’s Instagram-Stockholm-Syndrome-Penis-Envy because the store space was incredible. With its red brick wall (I also have an inexplicable obsession with brick — maybe because it’s the only thing the wolf couldn’t blow down), mismatched assortment of couches, benches and colorful metal seats, two separate/detached counter spaces (one for the baristas and one for the cashier) and R&B background music, Philz appeared the perfect balance of urban-hipster and suburban-classy. I’ve been to a few tech company offices in Silicon Valley and if you’ve ever visited any, you’ll understand what I mean when I say Philz is decorated in a manner reminiscent of a coffee shop owned by some California tech company.

The ordering process was quite curious and surprisingly enjoyable. First, you go up to one of the four baristas standing behind the first counter to place your order. As your barista gets to work on your order, you go to the second counter to pay before returning to your barista at the first counter to pick up your drink. Being the super judgmental and somewhat lazy person I am, my first thought was, “How incredibly inefficient. Not only do I have to walk between the two counters twice but I also have to repeat my order twice???” My second thought was how incredibly whiney and lazy I sounded. My third thought was how incredibly refreshing and different this new coffee/drink-ordering process was. First, you get to choose which barista you want to make your drink. The smiling waiting baristas with their individual stations behind the counter reminded me of eager-to-please puppies imploring you to, “Choose me! Me!” with their eyes (but in this case, teeth). Ordering my coffee from the baristas reminded me of the gleeful experience of choosing the puppy I never had. Second, the extremely traumatizing experience of paying the somewhat-pricey-for-coffee (at least compared to Starbucks) $4.something and $3.something for the Mint Mojito Iced-Coffee, and medium-roast coffee I ordered for my mother and myself was isolated from the actual drink experience with the short (but much needed and appreciated) walk to the second cashier counter spaced several feet away. The walk really allows you to clear your head and realize that Philz and his smiling puppies have their priority first and foremost in serving you coffee rather than taking your money. Hence the reason for the order-first-with-your-personal-smiling-puppy-then-pay-at-separate-counter business model. Ah, what a relief. (*disclaimer: This is an unconfirmed theory. I have a long list of them)

Whoever Mr. Philz is, he is a genius because he’s really got the whole personalization-thing down. It’s all the rage. As a proud member of “me-generation,” I feel like he totally gets me.

After the obligatory Instagram-check-in picture, I finally tasted my long-awaited Mint Mojito Iced Coffee which I instantly liked despite not being a coffee drinker at all because it was so nicely-creamed and sugar-coated that I hardly tasted any coffee. Score! The pieces of mint floating around my cup added a nice contrast to the foamy-brown cream, providing that extra aura of sophistication that made me feel super-adult. There is nothing better than drinking-coffee-that-isn’t-really-coffee-but-who-cares-because-I-finally-got-to-hold-a-cute-Philz-cup. Another score! Mother (who actually had legitimate coffee) commented that her cup (with no sugar but a hint of cream) was “not bad!”

Takeaways: 1) Philz Coffee has a refreshing atmosphere and business model that provides a nice reprieve from Starbucks and Peet’s if you’re ever looking to try something new. One thing that struck me was how happy the baristas all seemed. They seemed genuinely happy and proud to work at Philz. Maybe they’re currently in their honeymoon work period but their happiness was infectious. I heard that Philz-San Mateo is unusally large so I’m excited to visit Philz-Berkeley when I go back to school and see the similarities/differences. 2) The highly-coveted Mint Mojito Iced Coffee is incredibly photogenic and provides you a nice dose of “I’m-drinking-coffee” placebo effect with less the bitterness of real coffee but the same cute Philz cup 3) Philz is a nice break from Starbucks and Peet’s. Starbucks and Peet’s better watch out because Philz is a real contender. (I found this picture of Phil that makes me believe he might just be the next Godfather… of American coffeehouses) 4) I think I may have found a new study place in Berkeley!

P.S. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on an extreme caffeine or sugar-high but I’m currently operating on both and it’s kinda scary. My sister (who is a self-proclaimed coffee-lover) told me caffeine hits non-coffee drinkers harder than frequent coffee-drinkers (she is currently mourning caffeine’s lost-effect on her productivity), and this is so true. The combined effects of caffeine + sugar are currently hitting me full-on like a wrecking ball (Miley Cyrus and all). On the bright side I’m trying to make the most of my currently-overly- caffeinated state by feigning sleep (non-coffee drinkers you have been warned) and finally starting this blogging-thing I’ve been thinking about doing for a long time now. My sister came back from work, took one look at my slightly-crazed state and said “caffeinated Jen is scary”. Mwahaha.

The Philz cup tells its customers to “tell a friend!” so if you’re still reading this now (like wow, you actually took time to read all the way to the end of this review by a totally non-coffee-connoisseuer… thanks dude! ☺) I’m telling you to check out Phun Philz if you haven’t already and liberate your mind (read: get s#!t done) while surfing the high of sugar and caffeine and everything nice.