Jennifer Luiza
Sep 7, 2018 · 2 min read

I have always been terribly afraid of fire.

Always making sure I shut down any possibilities for it.

Always worrying if I really did and coming back to double, triple, quadruple check it.

I’m afraid of losing everything to fire, always thought it’d be the most terrible way of that happening.

I see how fire is destructive.

But every time I watch it, I think it’s a beautiful thing.

I see it burning, tearing apart, destroying until there’s absolutely nothing.

And I think to myself: this is cruel. But incredibly beautiful.

I feel the same for the sea. But the sea calms me down, makes me humble and thoughtful.

The fire is there only to be awed. I can never touch it.

I look at it and the closer I get the more I feel pain. It can be warm, cozy, comfortable at a safe distance, but I can never ever touch it.

I believe your air is just there to fuel that fire and make it grow greater with every blow. Like this huge bonfire in the coldest night of the year.

I can’t be away from you or I’ll freeze to death but I can’t get too close or you’ll burn me down and destroy me until there’s absolutely nothing.

I am terribly afraid of the fire. I watch it. Crackling and screaming. I take a step ahead and choke.

If I’m not careful, fire can and will make me stop breathing.

If I’m not careful, fire will consume every fiber of what I am and what I have.

But every time I look at the fire for too long, too attentively and too willingly enduring the heat, I just want to keep it alive. It gets weak and dies if it can’t devour and destroy things around it. And I feed it, I throw everything I can find into it. I just want it here with me. I just want to feel your heat.

The fire can create new realities and has a transformative power like nothing else. I feel this with every memory of how you deeply transformed me. Created explosions inside like nothing else had before.

And I keep feeding the fire in hope it will give me back someday.

I know it can be only ashes.

But hope it can be an entire universe instead.

Jennifer Luiza

Written by

Aprendendo a falar

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