I am afraid this might be a storm I don’t have the strength to weather. The reason: I lost my best friend, Thomas.

Of all the people, places, and things I have lost over the last 5 months of my life, losing him has proven the most heartbreakingly difficult. He got on a bus to East Texas two days ago.

There wasn’t enough time. There simply wasn’t enough time to say goodbye. Our goodbye was said in a dark church parking lot on the corner if North 18th and Mockingbird in Abilene,Texas. I was so high it was awful.

When David pulled up to pick me up for the journey to rehab, I ran to the truck telling him we had to go RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!! I was certainly in an altered state and when I turned to Thomas to say goodbye all I did was say, “Bye Thomas.”, and got in the truck. No hug, no kiss, no parting I love you forever, nothing.

I have been sitting here tonight wanting those final moments back so badly that I feel as though I am breaking into pieces. I am feeling so alone and lost without him. I had been holding on to him so tightly that it took a minute to realize I was grasping at air and no longer holding anything.

Losing him. Seeing him walk away hurts more than anything I can remember. I know that I drove him away. There is no question in my mind and I am so ashamed of myself and angry at myself and a million other emotions.

All I know is that the sun will certainly begin to shine in Thomas’s world again because this tornado has taken a new path.

I will not cause anymore damage in your life. I will always love you. And I’m sorry we didn’t get back to this summer. I truly am. If I could take it all back I would. Go out there and live a happy, productive life avoiding the natural disasters out there. I love you Tommy.

Beautiful Morning: Seebee Park at Fort Phantom Lake, Abilene, Texas photo by: J. Killgore
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