This piece literally brought me to my knees. I have been fighting my addiction to IV meth for most of the last 7 months. I am due to try to go to treatment once again this next week, so I almost did not stop to read this because of the title. But something deep inside my gut told me I should and I am almost speechless. This is one of the few nights I have been without, so my head is quite a bit clearer than what has become my “normal”.
I have been to treatment numerous times and made many “recovery” AND relapse prevention plans. And each one has been cast to the side, crumpled and forgotten. Those plans resemble my life lately, crumpled and forgotten. Especially since the first time I went to Waco. I have actually made it to treatment twice. In March I walked out after 10 days. In April I literally crawled out my window after two days. Everyone I know says, “Why Jenny? Why?” My answer to them? I got scared. My brutally honest answer to myself? I wanted to get fucking high!! Plain and simple.
This disease I call addiction is seriously, like the literature for AA and NA say, the most “cunning,baffling” thing I have EVER had to fight. If I am clean, she waits. She waits until I am so stressed, filled with worry and self-doubt, and have already been thinking in my head, “Ok, just one won’t hurt.”, to sneak in and obliterate my life. Each and every relapse is worse than the one before. Well, I do NOT want to find out how much worse it can get. I want live to fight another day. Thank you so much for such inspiring words.