How to Tell the Difference Between a REAL Conversation and a FAKE Conversation

We talk with someone every day, many many times. Some conversations are long and soulful, some are short and functional. Conversations can be for fun, to whittle away time, connect, play, learn stuff, etc., etc. All real conversations are good but a fake conversation is a royal waste of time. Bad.

I often overhear people having “fake” conversations. It’s really okay with me; to each his own. The harm comes when you don’t know you’re subjecting someone to or being subjected to a fake conversation. Your life is being whittled away or you’re wasting the other guy’s life on fake bullshit. You’ve gotta know!

Whether it is a real or fake conversation has nothing to do with what’s being talked about. A marathon exchange about nothing at all can be real while an outburst about some serious issue can be totally fake. You’ve gotta know which is which.

The rule is pretty simple: a real conversation is between people who are present and about events that are happening in the now. A fake conversation is between people who are not present and about events that have nothing to do with your current life.

Let’s take a real or fake test. Give each item thumbs up for real and thumbs down for fake:

1. Your best friend is telling you about her recent argument with her boyfriend.
2. Your lover is telling you very emotional things that happened with his/her ex, in the hope of improving your current relationship.
3. Your teacher is lecturing you about some valuable stuff, like math or some such useful knowledge, things that are good to know, but, you don’t give a shit.
4. You tell your friend about some story that just happened to you and he/she responds with a similar event in his/her past, going on and on about how they handled it, in hopes that sharing his/her past will somehow help you navigate your current life.
5. People telling you wonderful stories from their glorious past as a mountaineer, a sailor, WWII, a near-death-experience, whatnot.
6. People telling you the storyline of a soap, a reality TV show, celeb affair, the latest in the evening news.
7. Discussing the weather.

If you have applied the simple rule I’ve outlined above, you will see that all but one are fake.

Why are they fake conversations? And which one is real?

1. Fake. 👎🏼 You can elect to hold space for your friend but be real clear that it’s a one-way conversation. Don’t get involved with other people’s affairs. Nothing good comes of it. Just listen. This is not a conversation. This is charity.
2. Fake. 👎🏼 Stop your lover from telling you the past, you’re a new guy/girl! The past has nothing to do with the now. Start talking to each other about what’s actually going on now, for real!
3. Fake. 👎🏼 The lecture is good only if it’s something you really want to learn about. Stay as long as you find it interesting and leave as soon as you lose interest. Don’t subject yourself to fake shit, not even for one second.
4. Fake. 👎🏼 Stop your friend from taking the thunder out of your life and replacing it with his/her past history. Someone who just takes off and begins their own story without allowing you to come to a gracious conclusion in your own story is not sharing and it cannot help you in any way. The other person should be listening to you and offering sympathy or love. You know how to navigate your life, you just need some encouragement to go on. BTW, a real friend should be using this conversation as a time to really help by offering love. Replacing you on center stage with a similar drama of their own, no matter how similar, means this friend is a fake person just mooching off of you, wasting your time, stealing your life. Help yourself! Get out of this “friendship.”
5. Fake. 👎🏼 The past is gone unless the two of you shared the same event. Listening to your grandfather telling you his stories about his glorious past as a mountaineer, a sailor, WWII, near-death-experience, whatnot, is only real if he is your grandfather or someone who is important in your life. Anyone else doing this to you, you should know to keep it politely short. Other people’s lives are other people’s business. Keep your life alive by living your own.
6. Fake. 👎🏼 The storyline of a soap, a reality TV show, celeb affair, the latest in the evening news, are fake things to occupy time while the two of you have nothing real to talk about. You two are covering the silence with noise. Better to simply shut up and eye gaze deeply into each other. Acknowledge who the other person is, fall in love with who is in front of you. For real.
7. Real. 👍 Today’s weather is a current event that connects the two of you. Based on the rule that a real conversation is between and about people who are present in the now, this would make weather a real conversation.

You might begin a real conversation by using the time to banter about the weather while feeling this person’s energy and emotions. Then a real conversation will spontaneously take place about real things that truly connect the two of you.

Be real. Be here. Be in the now.