Building self-esteem and confidence in a changing world
My struggle with depression and imposter syndrome
November 2021– I was a senior software engineer at a big tech company. I was proud of my work, but lacked self-esteem. No positive performance review could convince me that I was capable and worthy. With the Pandemic behind me, Depression creeped in, slowly eroding all aspects of my life. My world turned upside down, and yet amidst the uncertainty and despair, I found hope. Here are my lessons in self-esteem, and how I rebuilt my world in my 30s. If you have ever struggled with self-esteem, I hope you can find hope in this article. Know that it’s never too late to let go of systems that no longer work. And it’s never too late to build our best selves.
The irony to my mental erosion is that I definitely felt confident in much of my adult life. Rocking bright red lipstick, bob haircut, and a polished and neat exterior, I never shied away from advocating for myself at work and personal life. A large part of my confidence came from my cognition and ability to perform at work. When Depression stripped me of that ability, I felt worthless. Because I could not work at the level demanded of me, I left my job. My world fell apart like a sand castle caught in a wave.
My hubris fell with it. I had let my career and income define my identity up until then. Without it and the status that came with working at the largest tech company in San Francisco, I felt vulnerable. I didn’t know who I was, or what I enjoyed doing. Who was the younger ‘me,’ whom I abandoned in favor of the ‘me’ that society wanted? Coping took months. Yet at my lowest point, I learned to build my confidence back on a stronger foundation.
Here are my lessons:
If you struggle with imposter syndrome, self esteem might be the culprit.
Self esteem is internal; confidence is external
Imposter syndrome comes from lacking self-esteem, not confidence. If what you lack is self-esteem: no amount of praise, income, nor performance reviews will remedy it. Self esteem is internalized from external dialogues throughout our lives. To combat imposter syndrome, it might help to work backwards. Peel back each layer of tint that is clouding your self-image. What are some examples of internalized dialogue? Here are some of my personal examples.
I have been told, “There’s no way they’d pay you 6-figures out of college. There’s obviously a mistake.”
–Thus, “My status hailing from an immigrant, uneducated family makes me less capable.”
I have been told, “Programming isn’t for women. You’ll fail.”
–Thus, “My status as a woman makes me less capable as a software engineer.”
I have been told, “There are no female presidents because women just aren’t meant for leadership.”
–Thus, “My status as a woman makes me ill-suited for leadership.”
I have been told, “Of course he’d succeed– he’s from Harvard.”
–Thus, “My status as a public school graduate makes me less likely to succeed compared to that from an Ivy league.”
I have been told, “You should stay out of the sun, so that your freckles don’t get worse than they are.”
–Thus, “My beauty is defined by what society accepts as beautiful.”
When I peeled back the layers, I realized I didn’t feel worthy because I had been made to feel unworthy my entire life. That felt refreshing, because I finally realized that my low esteem was not entirely my fault. I gave myself permission to forgive my younger self for not knowing better, but decided that I can choose how I want to live moving forward.
Don’t let external forces dictate your self-esteem
Don’t allow friends, family, and society to dictate how you feel about yourself. It is akin to giving them the steering wheel to your life. External opinions are fickle, as much as they are out of our control. Focus on what you can control.
That leads me to my next point:
Find your unique blob
To quote José Ortega y Gasset, “I am I and my circumstance; and, if I do not save it, it cannot save me.” Our circumstance shapes who we are, but it is not all we are. You are unique because of your circumstance– and within it lies your superpower. José Ortega y Gasset would say that we each have a duty to act on our circumstance, so as to not succumb to it.
Growing up, I was bullied for all the ways I was different. As a result, I’d think negatively of the ways which I stood out. As it turns out, the way to add value is by contributing what the average lacks– thus my quirkiness became my secret sauce.
Examples of my circumstance:
- First generation college student
- Multi-cultural
- Family of immigrants
- Depression
My unique core:
- Dot-connector
- Deep-thinker
- Dreamer and visionary
- Optimist
- Passionate, free-spirited
- Problem-solver
Reclaim your circumstance
To reclaim my identity, I focused on how I can add value in ways unique to me. I started offering career mentorship to those in historically disadvantaged positions. So far I have provided 110+ hours of mentorship in countries like US, Canada, Nigeria, and Brazil.
Additionally, I focused on ways I can deliver impact using my unique superpowers. This proved effective in landing my current role as a Product Designer.
But what if you lack confidence, rather than self-esteem? How do you build up your confidence?
Confidence is built one step at a time
Confidence is multi-faceted and observable by others
It’s important to understand that confidence can apply to many different areas in life. We can have confidence in our personal lives, careers, and even over specific areas like painting, roller skating, our bodies, etc. Confidence is the feeling of self-assurance over one’s own abilities or qualities, observable by the outside world.
Confidence in the workplace comes from repeated successes. To build workplace confidence, work with your manager and mentors to create a plan. This can include:
- Establish systems of healthy (and regular) feedback. What are you doing right? Where can you improve?
- Don’t run before you walk– manager should ensure your tasks are at an appropriate level.
- Managers should ensure you have the resources to succeed at your tasks
- Identify areas of improvement
- Work with a mentor (or few) to address the gaps.
Some examples of mentors I’ve had:
- Design managers– improve visual design craft and soft skills
- Design directors– design systems, career path
- Product managers– expand domain knowledge, product knowledge, business acumen
- Architects– exploring career paths and the intersection between design and engineering.
Tech will change, so stay curious.
Knowledge is the enemy of curiosity.
Embrace that the default state of anything is not knowing. Don’t envelop yourself in a castle of knowledge and close your mind to new ideas. Tech moves fast, and universally-held truths will change. What is true today might not hold water tomorrow. Knowledge and hard skills used today will be eventually be outdated. Stay curious of the world, and flexible in your thinking.
If you can’t trust knowledge, what can you do instead?
Be gritty and build a strong process for solving important problems.
Grit is the ability to push forward despite experiencing setbacks. Your process is the way by which you solve problems, overcome these setbacks. Although repeated success can help you feel confident, success metrics are empirical in nature.
Don’t focus on empirical evidence alone. It was once common-sense that “all swans are white.” Yet it took the appearance of just a single black swan to upend a widely held belief. You can deliver 9 successful projects, but the 10th is never guaranteed. Remember that empirical evidence can only prove the past, not the future. Facts can be cherry-picked, and research itself implies bias. Don’t be blind to what cannot be seen.
Instead of building your confidence around knowledge and accomplishments, build it around your ability to turn the unknown into knowns. In other words, build confidence around your ability to research, to learn, to push through challenges.
Doing so will make you unflappable in the midst of volatility and uncertainty.
In conclusion
The year I spent out of work has taught me that external reality is manifested from the inside out. If I want manifest good, I need to first believe that I am good. Building confidence atop low-self esteem is like building a sandcastle. It’s bound to fall. Instead, build your confidence on a strong sense of self-worth. Our circumstance shapes who we are, but does not define who we are. Our realities, experiences, and inner selves make us unique, and that is our super power. The duty to take ownership lies with us.
Recommended reads
The Black Swan — Nassim Nicholas Taleb
Freedom and Circumstance — José Ortega y Gasset
