The Psychic Who Stalked Me

The following email sees a faux psychic doing Linda Blair 360-degree head rotations and spewing green porridge. Her angst arose when I had the temerity not to buy a Tarot reading from her dodgy French-Canadian website `Tarot Revelation’. The photo is posed by a model with nice hands who is not connected with this story.

As you can see from the comments in italics, I wasn’t having a bar of it for good reason.

Final warning, Jenny!

What’s with the `final warning’, Di? Are you a Tarot reader or a debt collector?

Dear Jenny,

This is my final warning and by the way: I’M FOR REAL!

You’re about as genuine as a Taiwanese Rolex.

You should not remain unaware of the fact that the cards and the sky are sending you a future full of joy, SUCCESS and abundances!

Hey, I didn’t know abundance could be a plural — and that the success was so good that you needed to shout it at me. The fact that you’re in Quebec and I’m in Australia is no excuse. I might be on the other side of the world but ahhhh — the wonders of modern technology! It’s about time you graduated from stone tools and bearskins, darling.

In the last email, I have made you a special proposition. That time, I must admit that I have been surprised of your reaction.

If you don’t know me from a bar of soap, how can you predict my reaction — or be surprised when it differs from expectations?

You see Jenny, I am not the kind of person to insist over and over. In fact, it’s very rare that I email a person again to offer my help.

Bulldust, Diane. You’ve done it to at least five Canadians that I know of, plus a number of US residents. Do a Google search, read it — and weep.

Many people consult me but not many people destiny shines like yours. Your life path is so exceptional. I don’t remember to have seen such coordination and perfect card alignment on my tarot desk.

Sounds like you’re spring cleaning. Perfect card alignment? Tarot desk? You’ll be pulling out the feather duster next.

The reason why I contact you again contact you again, it is simply to make sure you truly understand that you maybe are letting pass the chance of your life. And it’s completely my fault if you are not yet enjoying your new dream life.

That’s OK. I forgive you. Now bugger off and stop clogging up my inbox with mindless drivel that is of no interest — or use — to anyone.

I feel a little bit sorry because I know what you will be missing.

I have a feeling I know EXACTLY what I’m missing, and it’s about as sought-after as a boil on the bum.

My problem is that I can’t positively transform your life to the next level without minimal consents from your part.

Readers, would you let this woman transform your life? She’s getting NO consents on my part.

Since a couple of days, I have invested considerable time working about you, the more time I spend on you, the more I feel you, the more I deeply understand you.

Please — for the love of God — don’t invest any more time `feeling’ me. Did you know that `feeling’ people without their consent was classed as sexual assault in my country?

I am serious when I say that I get my satisfaction when you get yours.

That’s taken my brain down a road it really doesn’t want to travel.

This is just normal because you are important to me, you are a special being.

Do you think my head buttons up the back or something?

I wanna say that I understand your hesitation to act.

Wanna? Is the waccy weed startin’ to kick in?

It is a good attitude to be carefully before trusting a person.

My bloody oath it is. And I cultivate a very healthy natural suspicion. I only believe about 50 percent of what I hear, and 60 percent of what I see. This apparently makes me ideal for employment in military intelligence or a frontline role as a narc, spy, private investigator or undercover detective investigating fraudulent Tarot card readers like you.

You are not the kind to believe anything you heard as being true. Your attitude will help you to avoid many traps and mistakes during your kife.

Kife? Or knife?

I’m also conscious that since a couple of years, there are somany fake online psychic or tarot reader every wheren and it is very sad, those people are totally ruining credibility of veritable psychics.

I’ll let the sloppy typing pass without comment because you’re clearly off your meds and haven’t yet learned to use the spell checker on your spam program. When Nurse Ratched turns up with some fresh thorazine for the voices in your head, tell them to turn the following words in a well-known sentence. Pot. Kettle. Black.

They are unconscious of the bad impact they produce in people minds regarding the real psychics.

Clearly.

Since a while, it’s really harder to make new customers because people simply don’t know who to trust. In fact almost 90% of my clients are regular customers.

Sounds like you need a Tarot reading from me!

These days people are more advised, more careful and this is completely necessary in the world we are living.

That’s why I’m telling as many people as possible to avoid you like the bubonic plague.

To be frank Jenny, I think you are a little bit afraid of changing your life.

To be frank, Diane, you are boring me to sobs.

Generally, a change demands a certain adaptation. But time after time, I see the same pattern again and again with new people that I try to help. First, they are always hesitating to accept my help, some are not ready to take the first step…

If you keep drivelling on, I’ll step right off a cliff. Well, it’s more exciting than dying of boredom, innit?

The main factor is the fear of the unknown. But no one can exactly know what will happen, future isn’t all determinate. And sometime we are confronted to take small or bigger risks in our life. A risk always hides an opportunity, this is why it’s imperative to evaluate the level of risk we face.

OK, let’s evaluate the level of risk posed by buying a Tarot reading off this woman. How likely is it that I would get my money’s worth? Zero. Zilch. Nada. How likely is it that she would pass my credit card details onto a Russian crime syndicate? See previous answer.

I will not waste your time by repeating over and over that it’s the chance of your life to be fortunate, fully happy and to fulfill your desire.

But you have wasted my time repeating the same tripe over and over — and in multiple emails. And good heavens, woman — LEARN. TO. USE. A. SPELL CHECK.

However it really is the truth.

Have you ever noticed that compulsive liars keep repeating — over and over again, ad nauseum — how truthful they are?

Presently you can get what you want, but you need to stake your claim.

OK. I want to you bugger off and stop bothering me. Is that what you mean by staking my claim? Or shall I stake something else — like you to a cucumber frame?

There are no limits to what you can achieve unless you mentally create them!

As they say in the magazine trade, MEGO (my eyes glaze over).

This is not the moment to escape from the reality dreaming of a better future that doesn’t exist yet. I always believed in observable proofs and I think these words below speak by them self. I have put together many original parts of testimonials from people who have consulted me since a year. I have not disclosed last names to preserve privacy.

And because they’re all bogus.

Read by yourself…

You mean you’re not going to hold my hand and read aloud to me? I am bereft.

We continue with the voices in Diane Trapi’s head…Nurse Ratched, hurry up with that damned medication! She’s snaking out, and it’s getting ugly. For the comfort of readers, I haven’t published all of her `testimonials’ in full. We’d be here until May 2030 if I did. Below is a sample of a glowing reference that I’m sure the divinely devilish Ms D wrote herself:

”A very transforming and satisfying experience. All the tarot readings were so helpful, deep, evocative and responsive.” -Emily W (aka Diane Trapi).

In the immortal words of Mandy Rice Davies, she would say that. Wouldn’t she?

What more can I say…

Nothing. Please. I beg you.

…excepting that I constantly receive similar testimonials. It is really important for me because these testimonials are my source of motivation to help others.

Yeah, and the money you’re getting from the Russian crime syndicate for ripping off people’s credit card details.

These small texts are the greatest reward I could ever get. Just like them, you will be showing me gratitude in the end, I know because it happens all the time, again and again…

A bold prediction indeed from our pseudo-psychic. And, as it happens, it’s so far off base that it’s hilarious. The day she gets a testimonial from me will be the day they’re riding snow ploughs in Hell. What’s the matter, Diane? Has your crystal ball cracked or something?

At the moment, I have almost completed your “COMPLETE TAROT READING”.

Why? I haven’t ordered one. I don’t want one. And if it’s anything like the last dingo’s dribble you sent me, it’ll be as sought after as a copy of Watchtower.

I want you to really understand that your time is counted, Jenny, don’t wait until it’s too late. Do you really wanna miss another great opportunity?

Your definition of a `great opportunity’ and mine differ, I’m afraid.

I don’t understand what type of person doesn’t care to miss the greatest occasion of a life.

A very smart, sensible person who hasn’t had their brains removed in the middle of the night.

Fortune and Happiness are waiting for you, but you must stake your claim right now.

Didn’t you hear me the first time? Rack off!

Visit the following link and start living your dream life…

No way am I publishing that link, and ruining other people’s lives.

Your friend,
Diane xxxXXX

Care to take some frank advice from a `friend”, Diane? Lose the creepy signature block. Get yourself some professional psychiatric help. Cut your ties with the Russian crime syndicate that’s enlisted your aid to steal people’s credit card details. Finally, look up the definition of `bad karma’. Your name is listed next to it.

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Freelance journalist based in the Outback town of Port Augusta, South Australia.

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Jenny LeComte Moritz

Jenny LeComte Moritz

Freelance journalist based in the Outback town of Port Augusta, South Australia.

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