To the Men Who Texts, Chats, and Adds but Nothing More
After I decided that LA didn’t have the pool of guys I was looking for, I changed my dating apps from Los Angeles to San Francisco. The response was unanimously favorable. In LA, I would have one or two “bagels” on my Coffee Meet Bagel app, but in SF, I received 10 guys who had already “liked” me and waiting for me to reply. I even received a few “woos” which is a flower emoticon for purchase when someone buys to show extra interest. Before that, I didn’t know “woos” even existed!
From all the guys I connected with, I was excited by a particular one. He was everything that I wanted in a guy: educated, tall, smart, ambitious (he had a side hustle startup), attractive, and just around the age I was looking for (37). He was well-rounded, well-traveled, and after chatting a bit, we shared a lot of things in common: beliefs and values, family traditions, our experiences, etc. He was eager to meet up, and suggested that we continue the conversation over coffee or drinks.
“One problem,” I texted. “I live in LA.”
“Oh. :/” he texted back. “Well, we’re so connected these days. Maybe it’s actually better.”
“Yes! I know how startup world can be really busy.” And I did. I used to dabble in the startup world myself, and all the more reason why I would be a good potential person for him to date.
It was getting late and I didn’t want to be texting him all night and lose his interest. Keeping it light, I told him I had an early morning and said good night. The next day he added me on Facebook, and I accepted. As I looked through his profile, I was more affirmed than ever that he was the right fit for me. I was looking forward for him to contact me soon, and I waited eagerly. And waited. And waited. Until it a week passed. Some of my friends urged me to contact him, and some of them told me that I should just move on. I was bothered by this, only because another guy who I matched with a month ago, added me on Snapchat. He had asked for my number after our chat. Instead of asking me out, he was adding me to every social media platform imaginable. I suddenly got irritable. Why? And what was the POINT?! So can add more numbers to your friends? So you can stalk me on social media and never meet me in person? So you can sext me? Why do guys do this? It’s so confusing, and I don’t understand the point.
My mind wandered back to the San Francisco guy. Was it the distance? Was it because I ended the conversation too early? Was it because he was dating someone? Did I offend him in anyway? Did he decide that I wasn’t attractive after seeing my photos? I realized my internal voice was sounding crazy and called my brother to get a guy’s perspective.
He laughed. “No, move on! It’s been a week! This dude is playing the field. You live way too far. Don’t text him again. You’re going to sound desperate! And you are NOT DESPERATE.” I was crestfallen. What happened to effort these days? The romantic notion of traveling afar to meet someone you connect with? He noticed the hesitation in my voice. It was rare for him to see his picky sister be excited by a “suitor.” “Well, maybe you can send him a text…what do you have to lose?” My pride and dignity and the reassurance that he likes me? I thought. I DID NOT want to start off making the effort of gauging his interest if he wasn’t going to put in the effort first. “Nah, forget it,” I said.
My brother suddenly changed his initial reaction. “No, wait a minute. You SHOULD contact him!!!! You are desperate! You’re 34! Take down your wall of pride and just do it!!! Who cares?!”
I do. I care about the fact that I want a guy to put in effort. I care if a guy follows through. I care about if he pursues. If I ever offended him without my knowledge, I want him to communicate it. If he was turned off by my photos after befriending me on social media, then I wouldn’t want to be with him anyways. What if I ever gained weight when I became pregnant or grew old or didn’t feel like putting on makeup one day? All of these realities being viable in my future. I am not desperate. I rather be single and fabulous than be stuck in a relationship where the guy didn’t really want to be with me in the first place. Yes, it’s just a text, but it means so much more. And for that reason, I take my power back, and I won’t look back.
I will wait for a guy who WILL do the work of pursuing. Because if I waited this much, I can wait a bit more. I know my value, and I have so much to offer. I need to quit blaming myself for his behavior. I need an equal that can match that, and I choose to believe he will come.