A Public Apology
Here’s what I’ve learned after writing the “yoga class” article.
The piece that I wrote last week is deeply ignorant, insensitive, and self-centered, and I am entirely to blame for that. I’m sorry.
It’s tricky for me to specify where I went wrong, because as many have pointed out, all of it is wrong. For starters, I projected my anxieties onto someone else and dehumanized her in the process. I apologize to her first and foremost. Over the past few days I’ve thought a lot about othering, privilege, and responsibility. Pia Glenn’s response helped me think through the dangers of projection, narcissism, and non-communication. CeCe Olisa’s piece taught me about the problems with using others to secure my own self-perception, and the self-importance of assuming someone else needs or wants my help. Jamilah Lemieux broke down the politics of my body-policing. Rebecca Carroll’s editor’s response helped me understand both her story and the moral repercussions of my own. I’m learning an enormous amount from the dialogues that people are having, and it goes without saying that I have a huge amount of learning ahead of me. That people are having insightful conversations about this is the silver lining to an unretractable mistake, and I’m grateful.
I carry a tremendous amount of white guilt and I’ve never taken the necessary steps to examine it, ask questions about it, work through it, or communicate it in a way that is productive for anyone. I have not educated myself, and failed to ask the right questions about how my words would affect others. It is this kind of short-sighted thinking that is the problem; I can claim no victimhood. Because it is nobody’s responsibility but my own to help me navigate my inexperience and anxiety, I’m all the more appreciative of the guidance and feedback I’ve received. My piece was beyond problematic, and the response has affirmed the importance of considering the holds of privilege and the ways in which it affects everything we do.
I thought that my attempt to exhume this guilt, acknowledge my privilege, and confess to feelings by which I was troubled would be of use. I failed spectacularly. When asked if I stand by the piece, I’m unsure how to respond. While I’ve offended a lot of people, I’m still a real person who spoke honestly of real experiences. Subsequently I’ve become a symbol of many of the things that are wrong with privilege, and to say that I don’t stand by the piece would be to irresponsibly strip my experiences of significance and deny that those wrongs exist. They do exist. They are real feelings with real problematic weight. I regret harboring them for this long.
Many people have criticized me for trying to hide my identity, and I understand why. Within a few minutes of the piece’s posting, I started receiving threatening messages and I panicked. Strangers have told me that they know where I live and that they wish death upon me. They have sought me out in every facet of my life, including going after my family. I tried to protect myself and the people closest to me, which only made it worse. It was an impulsive and fear-driven decision. I’m not asking for sympathy or forgiveness; rather, I’m trying to explain the basis of my actions.
Having had a few days to reflect, I know that I must take full responsibility for my actions and words. The article was a shaky first step comprised of too many unfinished thoughts. I am deeply sorry for the damage I’ve inflicted.
Sincerely,
Jen Polachek
