It’s Good to Argue and How to Do It: The Case for the Helper Against

“From the beginning, Genesis teaches us how to be human together…The verse tells us that [Eve’s] mission is to be an ezer k’negdo — literally, a helper against [Adam]…Why against him? The rabbinic commentators tell us that this teaches us a model of friendly antagonism, one in which, in order to support you, I challenge you. My intentions are for the sake of our friendship, so that your thinking is clarified, your ideas refined within the bounds of our conversation. The first couple are also the first friends, the first strangers, the first to encounter an other. What does it mean to disagree for the sake of the other rather than in order to defeat or silence the other?” — Elie Wiesel
Our society has an arguing problem.
We are either homogeneous clones of one another, interacting only with people who share our beliefs, our aesthetics, our goals. We focus on what we have in common, on what connects us, and gloss over any differences.
Or we spew vitriol at those who dare to have different opinions than we do, oftentimes from the safety of a screen. We craft long responses to the insensitive Facebook post from Uncle Gary, or worse, send unabashed criticism to a stranger in the comments section of Youtube or Medium.
We live in a unique political climate.
Ask anyone in their eighties and they’ll say the’ve never seen a political divide like the current one. This divide is not just political, but also moral.
It’s no longer, “how could you vote for him, I don’t like his policies”. It’s “how could you vote for him, he’s evil. You’re a bad person.”
When you get to this place, it’s hard to be open minded. We fall into dehumanizing language. The right criminalizes immigrants so they can build their wall. The left responds by calling Trump a pig.
This thought process is also incredibly reductive.
“You’re Catholic? That’s not the one true religion”.
“You’re bi? You must be attracted to everyone”.
“You don’t want to get married? You’re hedonistic”.
These markers and beliefs are much more complicated than we tend to give them credit for. We jump to conclusions and ignore the complexity of the real people sitting in front of us.
And we oftentimes do this because we are uncomfortable with the idea of the “other”. We don’t like the ways in which it challenges us, so we categorize that person as abnormal, or worse, wrong.
But Wiesel offers a different way.
Facing someone with a different religion or moral code is no small thing. But even Wiesel, who was persecuted for his religion, was excited when he encountered those who did not share his belief system.
He sought the differences in other people and claims it is our duty to share our whole selves with those we love and respect — even if it means conflict. That is how we love them. That is how we help them grow.
This vulnerability is alarming, especially when it is so easy to curate a world where your own beliefs reign supreme, and you can simply unfollow those who challenge those beliefs. This patience is difficult when your anger can be justified by those in your social network.
The internet can have amazing benefits, but if we are not careful, it can isolate us from the real world and allow us to live with a skewed perspective. It can keep us small minded by failing to challenge our beliefs.
I am not advocating the preaching of your ideals to all those around you, nor am I advocating the acceptance of other people’s beliefs if they promote intolerance.
But I do think we need to allow ourselves to have difficult conversations with those who see the world differently than we do.
And we need to reframe our intention around these conversations.
Whether they are loved ones or strangers, we need to approach these discussions with openness and tenderness. If both parties believe that the other is acting as a “friendly antagonist”, we can all learn.
Maybe 90% of what the other person says doesn’t resonate with you. But maybe 10% peaks your interest.
Maybe you walk away still not agreeing with the other person at all. But at least you know that. At least you have a fuller view of the world, and you can say your faith in your own ideals has grown stronger.
Taking the approach of the helper against in matters both big and small can improve your relationships and can help you grow. We don’t evolve if we are not exposed to new ideas, if we can’t be open to them.
And it is terrifying to have your beliefs tested. We all say we want to learn and grow, but many of us falter when we are actually presented with the opportunity.
It is safer to hide and stay the same. It is braver to share yourself with the world, to truly participate in it. And while it is much easier said than done, this bravery is something worth practicing as we seek a truly accepting society.
