One Year, to the day…

Today marks one year since my ex husband told me he wanted a divorce (I found out later it was to be with someone else). I didn’t fight it. He had cheated on me and I had tried, forgiving him for the cheating, the yelling, the name calling. But it was done. Fin.

The worst part of it was how badly I began to doubt myself. And I guess this “anniversary” has brought those feelings back to the forefront, remembering how raw and painful it all was. How could I be so wrong, believing in someone like that? Where was my sense of self, my judgement I’d always relied upon? I’d always stood up for myself, hadn’t I? It all seemed to be gone.

Now one year later, I’m looking back and wondering if I’m any stronger, any better. Knowing now that I don’t miss HIM…but I miss the thought of the marriage that should have been. I do miss sharing everything with someone. I mean, I share things with my dogs but that only goes so far. Woof.

I think I’ve done pretty good on my own. I’m finding my way. I’ve not rushed into anything, simply because I feel alone. I’m finding what I stand for and not letting anyone change me, to meet their standards. People either can accept me for who I am or not. I’m ok with either. I’m beginning to trust my judgement again and learning to follow it. To let go of things that have no positive impact on my life, despite how badly I may want them.

Am I fully healed? No. I still have my moments of doubt, of sadness, of grief. I’ve lost friends over the past year - or people I thought were friends. It’s been hard. But I’ve met new people, strengthened older friendships, had new experiences and continue forward every day. One step a time.