Isn’t this the essential contradiction of transgender and genderqueer? For the transgender, behavior has to match the physical stereotype — for the genderqueer, behavior is detached from the physical stereotype. There has to be a cognitive dissonance between believing that people can behave in a manner contrary to their biological sex stereotypes (say, feminine men, or masculine women), and believing that one must adjust their biology to match their stereotyped behavior (transitioning to male if you are masculine, transitioning to female if you are feminine).
I would like there to be a place in this world for men who want to dress and behave in a feminine manner, without being considered “not-men”. I would like for there to be a place in this world for women who want to dress and behave in a masculine manner, without being considered “not-women”. I see this as the ultimate form of acceptance, and I worry for those people who feel this cannot be true, either for themselves, or others.
Now, this isn’t meant to diminish whatever personal journey you’re going through, or its difficulty, but it seems to me that there is something superficial about trying to force a match between behavior and appearance. I don’t know what the ultimate answer is for you, or others, but I think you hit upon something real and meaningful in your self-reflection here.