Dear Todd: an open letter to the sole surviving member of the middle class
By Jeremiah Buffalo
You’re the last one left.
When a big heaping shitpile of us entered the middle class, we believed it was an opportunity to flourish. We intended to live our lives as active members of society, giving and taking as necessary, and collectively reaping the benefits of a shared economy.
But instead, we entered the octagon of pain, fighting for crumbs, succumbing to eating each other, and clawing other people’s flesh to become the last man standing.
And that’s you, Todd. You’re the last man standing.
So I’m writing to say congratulations.
But I also want to give you a few words of advice.
Enjoy Middle Class
Enjoy it, Todd. You earned it. You don’t have a substantial abundance of wealth to worry about losing, nor do you have the anxiety of trying to build an empire from scratch. Those days of starting with nothing, and building an empire are over. Your grandfather inherited the curse of opportunity, which sounds like a terrific amount of work if you ask me. How did he sleep at night knowing that he could literally become anything he desired. It sounds exhausting!!
Indulge yourself, Todd. Pour an ice cold beer, kick up your heels, and binge on some Netflix.
Hang in there, Todd
You’re certain to stay healthy for a long time too! Society has a vested interest in keeping you alive long enough to accumulate massive amounts of debt. The longer you stay in debt, the more money banks and companies earn. And no one will ever harm someone who owes them money!
Death won’t come for a very, very, very long time, Todd.
It’s a win-win.
Take advantage of all of the services available at your fingertips
There are plenty of products and services for you to leverage. You would be a stupid fool if you didn’t use them to their full advantage. When you get your hard-earned paycheck, I encourage you to quickly — and via automatic debit if possible — send your money directly to your cable provider, your internet provider, your cell phone company, your health care provider, the bank, the mall, streaming media services, magazine subscriptions, local restaurants, car payments, and anything else you can think of that will help pass the time and minimize the feeling of existential dread.
It’s also way cheaper to buy new items than it is to fix the items you currently own. Why keep that old shit around when you can afford new shit? When you’re done with something, throw it away — someone else will deal with it. Then plop your fat ass in your leased Kia, drive down to the mall, and be a good member of society by buying some shit you don’t need from Candace with the red dread.
If you’re not actively giving back in the form of buying new shit, you’re not doing your job, Todd.
We’re relying on you!
They can’t take away your education
You should — and you should also encourage your children to — rack up as much college debt as humanly possible. If you ever go bankrupt, the banks can’t take away your education! For an initial investment of only six figures or more, you get to own something forever.
And here’s a bonus tip! Your college education isn’t susceptible to inheritance tax since you aren’t able to pass this asset down to your surviving family members. Wow!
I’m not telling you how to live your life, Todd, but if you took copious notes during college your children will be able to read them long after your death. These timeless scribbles will prove to be an eerie glimpse into your booze-soaked early years — a time when you stared googly-eyed at the curvy bosom of their future mother while Dr. Greene eloquently lectured about Western Civ I.
If your tax rate is somewhere in the 30% range, that means you work about 4 months out of the year for the government. And if you take my advice about real estate investing (see below), you’re probably working another 6 months out of the year to pay for the roof over your head. Health insurance will probably cost another 2 months of work.
The rest is all gravy!
What to do with all of your extra income?!
A happy employee is a productive employee… your boss, uh, I mean supervisor, will want you spending your extra time and money on things that make you happy like going out to eat or spending the couple of hours of free time you have every night watching television.
It’s your extra time and money, Todd. Live it up!!
And you know what they say: “do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” But it’s highly unlikely anyone will pay you to get stoned and fuck on a daily basis, so an accounting job it is lol.
Pop ‘em out, Todd. They’re expensive, but we need you to produce more hungry shoppers. Have sex for us!
The cost of raising a child to the age of 18 is now over $230,000. That money goes directly to banks, government, and corporate entities.
But that’s ok, because the smile of a child right before she kicks you in the crotch is like a thousand rainbows. Children are priceless little angels until of course they grow up to turn into Dan in Finance who is a fucking asstard. Dan, if you’re reading this, just stop. I hate you.
Your home is your single biggest investment
While you’re busy enjoying all of the latest gadgets and services money can buy, don’t forget to plan for the long term too. Your home is an investment in your future. Purchase the biggest home you can afford so that by the time you have it paid off in your 70s, you can turn around and take out a reverse mortgage so you have some walking around money in your 80s — if you can still walk at that time lol.
And don’t worry, you will still come out on top! By the time you pay property taxes and interest for 30 years, that $200,000 home will only cost you $800,000 or so. But if you invested in upkeep over the last three decades and didn’t have to sell the home at a loss as you hopped from job to job, you might be able to sell it for $810,000. And after paying capital gains, the rest is all yours baby.
I cannot stress this enough, Todd. The rest of us are fucked. But you still have a chance to do the right thing and SAVE FOR RETIREMENT.
Saving for retirement is simple: every time you have spare money, put it in savings! It’s just that easy. And over 40 years of working, an extra hundred dollars here and there are sure to add up to several thousand dollars — all of which will quickly be spent on your adult live-in children and probably medicine as your deteriorating body clings to life lol.
You will be missed after you die, Todd. But I promise you that we will do whatever it takes to make sure you don’t die any time soon. We will make every attempt — no matter how crazy or expensive — to keep your body alive. Even if you end up as a lifeless vegetable, your body will be here with us to have, hold, and rack up medical expenses. We pinky swear!
Don’t worry about us, Todd. This is your time to shine. The rest of us are destitute, but we won’t ever forget our time living in the middle class. It was glorious.
Like a beautiful flower blooming only to die, our life in the middle class was born with an expiration date stamped on the box. We quickly spent every dime we earned, and we loved every minute of it.
And it’s now over for us.
It’s your turn to have everything you own slowly taken away from you.
Everything is temporary.
Have a nice day, Todd. You fucking earned it.
Dan, if you made it this far, go fuck yourself. You’re a douche.
Warning: seek professional counsel before making any investment decisions. This blog is submitted for entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be meant for actual advice to any real persons, living or dead. It is, for lack of a better phrase, a “stupid fucking joke.”