Don’t invite me to your shitty meeting, a 10 and a half point checklist to end meetings before they ever begin
You don't need me at your meeting. Period. So don't fucking invite me. And I'm about to lay out exactly twelve beautiful reasons explaining why.
Before you invite me - or anyone else - to your shitty meeting, try answering these questions:
1. Is your meeting important? If so, important to whom? If it's important to anyone other than ME, then don't invite me to your meeting. It's simple. If the meeting isn't important to me, then I don't want to be there. And if I don't want to be there, I'm going to resent the shit out of you. Do you want me resenting the shit out of you or looking forward to working with you?
2. Is there an agenda? If not, write a fucking agenda. Take one second and think about the topics that need addressed in your meeting. Please. I'm sure once you write down your thoughts, you will quickly realized I am not required at your meeting.
3. Is there a problem to solve? If not, why the fuck are you even calling a meeting? Meetings should be held to solve specific problems. If your meeting is too general - or worse - your problem is unsolvable, then you've wasted your time and mine.
4. Once gathered in the meeting room, do you plan on updating the team with important results? Don't. Just send an email. Or better yet, keep the results to yourself. Odds are, nobody is going to read your shitty email either. But if you absolutely must gather folks in a meeting, then please make sure everybody knows the facts before they enter the room.
5. Are success and failure clearly defined? If you have taken the time to clearly define what constitutes success and failure, then you already know what needs to be done. And you guessed it... if you already know the answer to your problem, then I don't need to be there for that shit.
6. Have you already thought long and hard about the problem? If you haven't already thought long and hard about the problem you want to solve, I can guaran-fucking-tee you that I won't be thinking long and hard on the problem. Do your own work.
7. Have you consulted with a peer? Before you even beging to think about tapping into my powerful intellect, have you consulted a peer? Have you discussed this shit with your significant other? Your dog? Goldfish? Bowl of cereal? Do some fucking preliminary work before automatically assuming you need me at your meeting. It's the right thing to do and you know it.
8. Have you written down your thoughts? Step one, write down your fucking thoughts. Formulate a hypothesis. Don't walk around with the wide-eyed stare of a wild animal, simply reacting to various stimuli. Write down the problem your trying to solve and formulate a hypothesis. Until you do so, I won't even look at it.
9. Do you think the problem is solvable? If the problem isn't solvable, it's philosophy. Have you ever heard of a paradox? Philosophy is fucking full of 'em. And they're unsolvable. So if you enjoy sitting around, scratching your balls, and staring off into a universe of confusion, by all means try to solve a big unsolvable problem. But don't include me. If you invite me to help you solve a paradox, I will kick you square in the private parts. While you're fist fucking yourself into a coma, I'll be in the corner getting real shit done.
10. Have you already tried to solve the problem? Be honest now. Have you tried to solve the problem? Have you run an experiment? Have you run ten different experiments? Have you tried and failed and tried again? Have you written down your learnings and formulated a new hypothesis? If not, I can't help you.
10.5 I honestly don't care. Every minute I spend working on YOUR problem is a minute I can't spend solving my own problems.
Odds are, you don't need me at your meeting.
You just need to keep trying until you succeed.
So please, don't invite me to your shitty meeting.
I won't be attending anyway.