H.P. Laughcraft Yelp Review: Bar None

Ted Kennedy can’t stay dead forever.

I had come to Bar None on Tuesday to see the Comedy Show in the back room. I walked in and saw something unusual. There was a man at the bar speaking loudly and drunkenly gesticulating. This is actually not an unusual sight at Bar None, but the man was wearing a very nice suit and looked like he was in his late 60s. He looked very familiar, but I couldn’t quite realize where I had seen him before. I initially thought he was William DeVane. Despite his age, he looked perfectly at home in this lively bar surrounded by people much younger than him.

“Shots are on me!” He loudly declared with slurred speech and a thick Massachusetts accent. The crowd around him cheered. “How about you slick, you wanna drink?” He said as I walked towards him.

“Sure, pal.” I replied

“Have a shot!” He yelled as he shoved a shot glass of vodka in my face. “To good fuckin’ times, with good fuckin’ folks!” We all raised our glasses and drank the bitter yet internally warming alcohol. Despite his age, our mysterious booze benefactor was able to do shots like an inveterate binge drinker.

You’ll never know what kind of characters you’ll run into here.

“Are you celebrating something?” I asked the mysterious gentleman.

“I’m celebrating being alive!” He yelled. “I should have been dead a long time ago. They got my brothers, but they never got me.” I didn’t know what he was talking about, but finally it hit me. I knew who this man was.

“Holy shit! You’re Ted Kennedy!” He looked back to me with a look of disapproval, and I knew I was right. I felt bad exposing to anyone in earshot that Ted Kennedy had faked his own death, but then again he wasn’t taking any great pains to conceal himself on this occasion. He put down his drink, took a deep breath, and stood up straighter to address me with as much sincerity a drunken politician can possess.

“Ya got me. I am former senator Ted Kennedy.” I thought people would have noticed what both Ted and I had just said and would be rushing to take pictures to post on social media, but it seemed to have gone unnoticed. Perhaps the music was too loud.

“Uh, wow. Aren’t you supposed to be dead?” I’m not sure why I wasn’t more surprised. Perhaps I’ve just become too used to meeting bizarre characters in bars.

“Yeah, I had to fake my own death, They may have got my brothers, but I’ll be damned if they get me!.”

“Uh-huh. So who exactly is ‘they?’”

“Oh you know, the ones that secretly control everything.”

“The CIA? The KGB? The Mafia?”

“Nope.”

“The Freemasons? Bilderberg? Skull and Bones? New World Order?”

“Not them either.”

“UFOs? Lizard People? I don’t know any other secret society conspiracy theories.”

“Close, but you’re actually not close at all.”

“Ok, then who?” Ted took a deep breath, preparing to tell me perhaps the greatest secret in human history.

“The nation of Luxembourg.” I was underwhelmed by this answer.

“Seriously?”

The Grand Duke of Luxembourg, The Kennedy’s archnemesis.

“Yup, that tiny European monarchy has had it out for my family ever since Joseph P. was running rum. They’re the secret power that controls everything.” It sounded crazy. “I know it sounds crazy.” Ted said, which made me feel better.

“Why does Luxembourg have it out for the Kennedys?” I asked.

“Because my family was the closest thing to royalty in America. It made that Grand Duchy furious to see the political success my family had in a nation without a monarchy. Make sense?’

“No.”

“Well, it’s not easy for those outside the highest levels of international politics to understand. Anyways, as long as that Grand Duchy thinks I’m 6 feet under I’ll be alright. Let’s do another shot.” Ted ordered another two shots of vodka, and we downed them both simultaneously. “I think I’m gonna keep this party moving, you wanna head to another spot?”

“I can’t. I’m sticking around for the comedy show.”

“No worries, pal. It was good talking to you. I hope I can count on you to keep my secret.”

“Of course, man. I always keep promises for people who buy me booze.” I put my hand out for Ted to shake it, but instead he caught me off guard and gave me a big hug. He staggered out the door and I saw him get into a big, black limousine. I assumed he had a driver, but much to my surprise he got in the driver’s seat. He put the car into gear and promptly drove the limousine into a street lamp. The lamp fell onto a parked car, and Ted jumped out of his limo.

“Goddammit! It’s just like Chappaquiddick all over again!” Ted yelled as he scurried away. I decided to head into the back room for the comedy show, and try to put this experience out of my mind. However, I have to say I’ve gained a deep distrust of people from Luxembourg, despite never having met one.

In summation, I highly recommend Bar None. Drinks are relatively inexpensive, and it’s a great place to get blurry with friends or catch a good comedy show.

For more bizarre Yelp reviews of horror and mystery, check out the H.P. Laughcraft Yelp page here: http://hplaughcraft.yelp.com