H.P. Laughcraft Yelp Review: Katz’s Delicatessen

Brian Williams tried to lure me to a gingerbread house

It had been a late night of drinking in the Lower East Side. After performing stand up at a nearby dive bar, I found myself at one of my favorite New York institutions, Katz’s Deli. I had ordered myself a giant pastrami sandwich, and was doing my best to linger over it, but it was too damn delicious. Plus I wanted to get home and pass out. About halfway through my sandwich, I noticed a man glowering at me. He had a menacing glare and methodically stirred a cup of coffee as he stared at me from under his brow. Then it hit me. I knew who this person was. It was disgraced news anchor Brian Williams! I have to admit, I was terrified. Perhaps he intended to murder me.

Food is good at Katz’s, unless you see Brian Williams glaring at you.

“Uh, are you Brian Williams?” I asked him.

“Oh yes, that’s me alright. Former news anchor Brian Williams.” He replied, almost snarling.

“What the fuck do you want? Are you going to kill me?”

“Of course not. I was just wondering if you’d like to come over to my daughter, Allison’s place.” This was a very odd proposal, and leaving the deli with him made the odds of murder exponentially higher. However, I was still drunk enough to make an incredibly stupid decision. “Sure, why the fuck not.” I admit the offer didn’t seem genuine, but I have always wanted to meet Allison Williams. Mainly I’ve always wanted to ask her how she gets up the nerve to act out all the depraved sex acts on that show “Girls”. Admittedly, I don’t know the details of what she’s done on the show as I’ve never been able to watch an episode in it’s entirety without nearly gouging my eyes out. But still, she seems to be a very brave actress.

How does Allison Williams do all those gross things on “Girls”? She is a very brave actress.

We walked out of the deli and proceeded for about three blocks in total silence. “By the way,” Brian said breaking the silence. “I’m not sure if this matters to you, but my daughter’s house is made out of gingerbread.”

“Your daughter lives in a gingerbread house?” I replied.

“Oh yes! She loves it very much.” I didn’t know how to respond.

“Is it an actual ginger bread house, or is it like a ginger bread apartment building or condo?” I was pleased that I had come up with a response to this bizarre revelation.

“It’s a brown stone.”

“Ah.” We walked a few more steps in silence. “So, would you say that you are luring me back to your ginger bread house. Because that sounds kind of sinister?”

“Well I just said it’s a brownstone, and ‘lure’ is such an ugly word. You can go if you want. Don’t you want to meet my daughter?”

“I do. Unrelated, have you ever seen an episode of ‘Girls’? Brian said nothing. He just gave me a scowl that struck terror into my heart.

After about 10 more minutes of walking we had arrived. “Well, here we are.” Brian said. I looked around, but there was no brown stone, ginger bread or otherwise, to be found.

“Uh, this is just a dirty book store.”

“Ah, so it is.”

“Is your daughter in there?”

“I doubt it.”

“It’s not even made of gingerbread.”

“I’m truly sorry. This was clearly ego driven, the desire to better my role in a story I was already in.”

“That’s kind of a lame excuse for dragging me all the way out here.”

“I know.” Brian simply hung his head in shame and I decided to use the opportunity to slink away. I did look back to see Brian enter the dirty book store.

In summation, I highly recommend Katz’s deli. It’s an absolute must for New York tourists and residents alike.

For more bizarre Yelp reviews of horror and mystery, check out the H.P. Laughcraft Yelp page here: http://hplaughcraft.yelp.com