H.P. Laughcraft Yelp Review: No Fun Bar
I ended up at No Fun bar after a long and soul crushing day of work. After being called a vulture in an email by a loathsome malcontent named Brooks in San Francisco, I decided to see the long running UG Comedy Show at No Fun bar to lift my spirits. I bought a Tecate at the bar and went to the back room just as the show had started. The first two comedians were quite good, but things got kind of strange when the host brought up the third act. “Alright, is everyone having a good time?” The host yelled as the audience cheered. “Keep it going for our next comic, Mr. Stinky!” I nearly let out an audible groan when I heard the name. Comics with a gimmicky name are usually awful. Larry the Cable Guy and The Fat Jew are perfect examples of this.
Mr. Stinky staggered on to the stage wearing a trench coat and a black baseball cap. He left the mic in it’s stand and just sort of looked at the floor. I couldn’t really see his face because of this, but he definitely lived up to his name as an undeniable stench of putrefaction and soil emanated from him. After about 30 seconds of him staring at the floor, Mr. Stinky just ended up making a guttural groaning noise for about a minute. A few people giggled at first, but stopped when they realized this was the entirety of his act. Finally, a minute and a half into hands down the most inexplicable stand up routine I had ever seen, and I’ve seen some very bizarre ones, it was ended by the host seeing that this act was dying. The host took the stage and more or less shoved Mr. Stinky away who shuffled out of the back room towards the bar. I decided to follow him and hopefully strike up a conversation and ask him why he thought just being smelly and groaning was a suitable comedy act.
To my dismay, I saw that Mr. Stinky had headed outside rather than stick around to grab a drink and socialize with the other comedians. He just sort of stumbled though the bar out the door. I should have just stayed at No Fun bar, but my curiosity got the better of me and I followed Mr. Stinky outside. I walked at a brisk pace to catch up to him but got cut off when he crossed the street and traffic blocked my way. “Excuse me, sir!” I called out, but he just kept walking “Sir!” I called out again. “Hey! Mr. Stinky!” Finally, he turned to face me. The lighting the street was better and I could sort of see his face. But just then a car drove through a puddle in front of him. The water splashed onto him and knocked off his black baseball cap. I finally saw what Mr. Stinky truly was, a walking corpse. His face was mainly green, rotting flesh with white bone poking through. I could see he only had one eye too. He tried to open his mouth, presumably to respond to me, but his jaw just fell off on to the sidewalk. He calmly bent over to pick up his detached mandible and placed it in his trench coat pocket before walking away. Horrified, I hurried back to the relative safety of No Fun bar.
I ordered a shot and a beer which I drank as quickly as possible to calm my nerves. I saw the host of the comedy show talking to some of the other comedians, and went up to him. “Uh, what was the deal with that Mr. Stinky guy?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” He replied.
“Well, I just saw him on the street. I can’t be sure, but I think he’s a zombie.”
“Oh yeah, he’s definitely more dead than alive at this point.” I was confused, but somewhat relieved to know I wasn’t crazy and hadn’t been hallucinating what I had seen.
“What do you mean?”
“He wasn’t always known as Mr. Stinky. I honestly can’t remember his name, but he was never a good comedian, just would get up on stage and die. I guess he died one too many times and it just stuck with him. Fuckin’ shame. He used to be a really good dude.” I had never heard anything like this before. Though I had to say I was impressed by Mr. Stinky after hearing this. He died on stage so many times he became undead. His real name was lost to the ages, but still he managed to get on stage night after night only to certainly die just a little bit more. His dedication to his craft was certainly unparalleled, and perhaps he had died too many times to ever be alive. But I like to think that one day he’ll make an audience laugh, and perhaps in time regain a piece of his humanity that had been cruelly sucked out of him.
In summation, I highly recommend No Fun bar. The bartenders are friendly, the environment is fun, and they have good beers on tap.
For more bizarre Yelp reviews of horror and mystery, check out the H.P. Laughcraft Yelp page here: http://hplaughcraft.yelp.com