10 Sex Tips from the Short Stories of Raymond Carver
- From “Fat”
When your husband climbs on top of you, imagine that you are fat, so fat that your husband is a tiny thing and hardly there at all. This will change your life.
2. From “They’re Not Your Husband”
But no matter how fat she gets, don’t tell your wife to go on a diet.
3. From “Neighbors”
When you enter the apartment of your neighbors to feed their cat, open the medicine chest. Read the labels and steal some pills. Sip their Chivas Regal and sniff the celery. Don’t forget to feed the cat. Now make love with your husband. The sex will change your life. You will feel it.
4. From “Neighbors”
If you lock yourself out of the neighbors’ apartment, do not panic. Just lean into the door as if against a wind, and brace yourself. Important: When you make love to your wife in the nights that follow, cover her ears so that she can’t hear the starving mews of the neighbor’s cat.
5. From “A Small, Good Thing”
In the face of mortality, eat cake.
6. From “A Small, Good Thing”
Forgive the baker. Do not think of leaving. Eat the cake with your wife. This will change your sex life. You can feel it.
7. From “Gazebo”
In the event of infidelity, take your husband to the suite. Pour Teacher’s whiskey on his belly and lick it off. Weep and try to jump out the window in your brassiere. It’s only on the second story, but even so. He’ll get the message.
8. From “Gazebo”
If you do screw the maid in room 11, don’t get caught.
9. From “What We Talk About When We Talk About Love”
Invite another couple over for drinks. For God’s sake, don’t get drunk. If you do, listen for your heart beating. Listen for everyone’s heart and don’t move, not even when the room gets dark. But don’t make too much human noise. The neighbors might call the police.
10. From “Cathedral”
The blind man is an old friend of your wife’s. You don’t have any friends, bub. When your wife’s bathrobe falls open and the blind man takes your hands, bub, don’t pull away. Let his fingers ride your fingers over her breasts, belly, thighs. Close your eyes. You’re in your house but you won’t feel like you’re inside anything. It’ll be OK, bub. You’ll see.