Hedwig von Ebbel, via Wikimedia Commons

An Important Security Update Regarding Your Microwave

Your friendly microwave oven manufacturer here. Like you, we’ve read about hackers at companies like Google and Yahoo, but never thought hacking could happen to us. We’ve always taken pains to ensure the utmost security at our headquarters, locking our doors, shutting off lights, and having neighbors bring in the mail when we’re away at the National Microwave Convention.

However, last week, just as we were about to lay off our Director of the Internet — the young man responsible for the blinking pictures of all of the products on our website — he told us something disturbing that forced us to reconsider his termination. He believes that access to your personal microwave oven may have been compromised. Hackers have gotten in — and they’re not coming out without a baked potato and some reheated Chinese food.

Let us quickly summarize what we think hackers are, and what you can do about them. Hackers are people who want things. Computers are complicated. So the hackers shrink themselves down, go into the wires, end up in your homes, and take things. In this case, we’re told they stole the very food you were reheating, as well as any personal information you may have been storing in your microwave oven itself. We’re still trying to confirm whether they gained access to any papers you kept on top of the microwave, but for now we think the problem is just what was inside the machine.

We’re concerned about viruses that may have been spread during the attack. We know from reading about similar attacks that there is a high risk of virus transmission when hackers break into company systems. If any raw meat or poultry has recently touched the surface of your oven, please clean all exposed parts with a liquid bleach solution. This will stop the risk of cross-contamination and also deter future attacks — no one can focus on stealing your food and information if bleach gets in their eyes. We’re also going to be adding locks to all of our microwave doors that can only be opened using a special combination. Do not leave details about this combination inside your microwave.

If you were asked to input your social security number or banking information into the touch panel of your microwave, please throw the microwave away, call us for a replacement machine, and cancel all of your credit cards. We’ve read about bugs in software, causing security gaps; if there are bugs in your microwave, also throw it out. We heard someone say something about hashed passwords. If they’re anything like hashed browns, you can use your microwave to heat them — but please, be careful.

You may think you’re safe, but you’re probably not. No matter what you’re heating in our microwaves, your food is at risk. These dangerous hackers will go phishing for your steamed fish. Even free-range eggs can be cracked. And unless you truly need Java to run critical system functions, please stop using our microwave ovens to reheat it. It’s never as good as fresh, anyway. We’re just trying to protect you. Our entire Department of It — whatever It may be — is doing its best to assist you and answer any questions you may have, but, just like our microwaves, we have limited capacity. If you need further technical support, you may want to visit your local Apple store. And if you need more food, try your local apple store.

Trust us, we’re going to find these people, get them out of your microwave, and bring them to justice. Happy heating, and good luck.