By Oliver F. Atkins (1916-1977) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Announcing My Candidacy for New York City Comptroller

New Yorkers,

I’m thrilled and excited to announce my candidacy for New York City comptroller. While I have spent some years away from government due to a series of scandals, prison time, a well-publicized trial for treason, and the desire to spend more time pursuing my sex hobby, I believe the time is now right for me to re-enter politics, and ask for your vote.

The job of a comptroller is simple — you oversee the accounting and financial reporting of an organization. Who better to serve in this role than someone who has managed accounting for dozens of businesses, real and fictional, over the course of his career? I invite anyone to review the financial records of my unlicensed food truck business, for instance. You will find that my accounting practices were impeccable, and although thousands of people — young and old — got sick from uncooked meats, bacteria-laden bread products, and unwashed fruits and vegetables treated with dangerous pesticides, not a single penny was lost to waste or fraud.

In my role heading up a high-stakes gambling ring, I showed creativity in finding the lowest-priced supplies and materials, and deploying my team in the most efficient ways possible, so as not to squander cash. When the price of playing cards grew too expensive, I hired children to make them for me. When the children got too expensive, I sold them to a manufacturing plant across the world. When the cost of supplying free food and drinks to the gamblers increased, I instead hired my food truck business to handle the job, eliminating the need for inefficient invoice processing and taking advantage of economies of scale.

And every single time I used city funds to pay for custom sleepwear for the endangered species with whom I was engaging in intercourse, I saved the receipt.

Thing is, ever since I left office (in handcuffs), hundreds of New Yorkers have approached me on the street asking if I would one day return to politics, and how they and their families could most easily vote for me. I gave them complete instructions regarding how to steal social security numbers in order to vote multiple times per election, and information on how to sneak undocumented family members into the United States. Through my work with Vote Once, Vote Often, a nonprofit organization I set up to serve as a front for my drug smuggling business, I have helped over thirty-six million New Yorkers register to vote, qualify for public assistance, and donate tainted blood to local clinics and hospitals. In return, all I have asked for are babies. Dozens and dozens of babies, fathered by me, through the miracle of assisted (and unassisted) reproductive technologies.

And while the deadline to enter the race has passed, I will still find a way to get myself on the ballot. With your help, we can take back the city from career politicians who haven’t seen the world like I have — from the inside of a prison transport airliner, as I was extradited from my hideout in the South Pacific. If you give me your support, I will make sure there is a place for you on the city payroll, and a home for you in my sex den. Second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth chances are part of what makes America great, and I pledge to spend every day in office serving the people whose lives are not ended by my ill-conceived policies.

Thank you for your vote(s) for New York City Comptroller.