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Entirely Real Writing Contests and Submission Opportunities

— The Small Print Run Review is open to short fiction about how people still read literary journals, and longer non-fiction about how unemployment benefits work.

— Have you ever dreamed of writing whatever you want, whenever you want, and getting paid for it? If so, you may be the perfect candidate to write the materials for our new online course, “Writing Whatever You Want, Whenever You Want, and Getting Paid for It.” The course costs $99.99. Unfortunately, we are unable to compensate the writer we hire.

— Deadline is September 30th for the National Text Message Foundation Prize for Short Fiction, awarded annually to an outstanding, unsent collection of text messages. Submissions accepted by postal mail only.

— Domain Name Expired is an online publication that pays its bills, no matter what people say.

— Third annual Ethnic Voices contest, open to writers of any ethnicity, writing about their experiences as a Magyar person living in the 15th century. Minimum 750,000 words.

— Desperate for entries to the Roger Jones Memorial Writing Contest. We give you information about Mr. Jones, and you write a memorial. Deadline is Friday at 7 p.m. Meet us at St. Matthew’s Cathedral with the text.

— Broken Dreams is a multimedia, multi-platform, multiple-creditor exploration into the world of content mills. We need to build a rich website filled with thousands of articles about content mills and the harm they have caused to the online writing ecosystem. We will pay $5 per piece and we don’t care how good they are.

— The “Writers of the Future” award is taking nominations. Winners may not have been the recipients of a publishing contract, have ever earned more than $10,000 from their writing in a given year, or have been born yet.

— Typographical Error magazine is looking for newt writhers.

— Do you write poetry? You should probably stop. But if you still insist, Ames Ink Recycling is paying four cents per thousand printed words, provided some of the words are long, the font size isn’t too small, and you use decent paper. This could be your chance to finally get paid for your poetry!

— The Great Beyond is a new magazine seeking writers willing to visit the afterlife and write about your experiences. $1/word.

— Do you know all of your letters? Rebus International Puzzles and Air Conditioner Repair is looking for people to help create word search games. We already have the words, but need someone to fill in the rest of the grid!

— Looking for a ghostwriter to assist a well-known literary critic with his book, currently titled Ghostwriting: Scourge of Publishing.

— The William Shakedown Writing Contest is open to entries, now and always. Winner will receive complimentary editorial advice from the unemployed founder of the contest, as well as three bags of used clothing. Entry fee $50, more if the cable bill goes up. Enter as many times as you can afford.

— Your family’s newsletter is looking for regular columnists. Ask your mother for more details.

— Seeking contributions for an anthology of short pieces about an anthology editor who promises to pay his contributors but turns out to be a thief—and a murderer! Contributors will be paid.

— Fourteenth annual Worst Travel Writing 2013 is looking for your stories of delayed flights, rude hotel clerks, and weekend getaways to local rest stops. Do you have a dull story about a boring place? We want our interns to have to read it.

— Academic publisher looking to bring our books “on line.” We have the Internet installed on a computer, but we’re not sure how to use it. Ideally, we want to sell leftover books on it. Someone, please give us instructions. We’ll pay you in books. We have a lot of books. Do people still read books?

— The $500,000 Prize for Short Humor is awarded every 18,000 years. Next deadline coming soon.