wrigley / photo used with owner’s permission

The Puppy Diet

May 3, 2013 · 3 min read

“The [Fast Diet], and others like it such as The 5:2 diet, are taking Britain by storm and involve intermittent fasting…. Followers must only consume 500 calories (600 for men) on two fasting days a week and can then eat what they want on the other five days.”

Daily Mail (UK)

On The Puppy Diet you can eat as many puppies as you want, which is of course zero puppies, and that’s why it works. You eat zero puppies for breakfast and then a balanced lunch or dinner and watch the pounds melt away.

What do we mean by balanced? Imagine a scale with nothing on one side. How much food can you put on the other side to ensure it stays balanced? That’s right: nothing. And that’s how it works.

You may have noticed we said lunch OR dinner. Most people feel the need to eat both. This overindulgence is what causes at least 235% of the average person’s weight gain. On The Puppy Diet, you choose when to eat instead of being forced to. Lunch or dinner. Beagles or collies.

Eat nothing for one meal and skip the other. It’s your choice.
You may also be wondering why we chose the phrase “melt away” to describe how your pounds would disappear. This is because The Puppy Diet comes with a puppy-approved torch that will spur your body into weight loss action. You can run from the flames, burning stubborn calories — or you can just let the flames burn your fat off. Our patented “fire hurts!” system activates the pain sensors throughout your body, including your stomach. These pain sensors have been proven to override hunger pangs and lead to breakthrough weight loss.

You might have caught the word “patented” in the previous paragraph. We’re referring to our own private, proprietary patent system, not the one sanctioned by the U.S. government. Why would you trust a patent issued by the same government that has allowed its citizens to get so fat? Instead, trust our puppies.

Perhaps you also saw the word “proven” in one of these paragraphs. You should have. We put it there. And it’s no joke. The Puppy Diet has been rigorously tested — by puppies, on puppies, and with puppies. 100% of puppies on The Puppy Diet lost significant weight within 200 years of starting on the program. Also, 100% of people. Guaranteed.

200 years? You may be concerned why we would choose such a long time frame in which to evaluate The Puppy Diet. Don’t you want to live 200 years? Why shouldn’t you? We promise that on the puppy diet, you will lose weight within 200 years (barring dramatic changes to current life spans). Is this a fair way to evaluate a diet system? The puppies think so.

We’ve used the word “guaranteed” at least once in this message. Of course, we’re not officially guaranteeing weight loss, since no one can guarantee the results of anything, not even carefully-rigged puppy races. But we’re pretty sure that if you faithfully follow this diet, you will make friends, influence people, and find your perfect mate.

Especially if your perfect mate is a puppy.

Call now for a free trial. Puppies not included.

    Jeremy Blachman

    Written by

    Author of Anonymous Lawyer and co-author of The Curve (http://www.seemanhattanlawschool.com). http://jeremyblachman.com for even more.

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