Calling in Sick: 7 Good Reasons, 7 Lame Reasons

This is clickbait. I got the headline from some other dumb article I didn’t read.

The original article is one of those spectacularly banal lists that consists entirely of common knowledge tidbits the author farted off the top of his head. There is no research, no insight, no reason for it to even exist. It’s kind of like my articles, if I wasn’t trying to be funny. It makes me think the good people at salary.com assume their readers suffer lingering effects of serious brain trauma, and therefore need someone to help them make basic, common sense decisions.

If you can’t figure out on your own if it’s okay to call in sick, there’s probably something wrong with your brain. They might as well publish an article called “8 things you didn’t notice were the color blue,” or “6 foods that are spicy,” or “12 people that have been photographed smiling at some point.” That’s how useless it is, and yet it has the balls (or delusion) to pretend to be helpful advice. On top of all that, it’s a slideshow. This means you have to invest extra time in order to learn nothing from a boring business website.

I don’t believe in slideshows and I don’t believe in wasting your time. You’re either awesome enough to read my articles on purpose or dumb enough to click on this accidentally. Either way, I love you. I promise my list of “Calling in Sick: 7 Good Reasons, 7 Lame Reasons” will manage to both be stupider and more insightful than the original. If you disagree, contact me about getting a refund and then fuck yourself.

  • Good reason 1: You were just drafted into military service Whether it’s the 1940s and you have to go shoot Nazis or the 2060s and you have to fight Chinese vampires or some bullshit, your boss has probably heard about the war and won’t be a dick. That is, unless he’s a sleeper agent for the enemy. If he objects, you should stab in the heart with something made of wood. Just in case.
  • Bad reason 1: After a long dry spell, you were finally able to get your hands on some heroin I’m not saying you should go to work high on heroin. This column is family friendly, so I would never endorse hard drug use. Plus, you made it through that dry spell; maybe you can keep your addiction on pause until the weekend?
  • Good reason 2: Your future self appeared and told you it is very important for you to call in sick today Of course, you shouldn’t just trust any old guy that claims to be you from the future. Make him show you his lazer guns and stuff. Also check if he’s wearing 2 watches (his time and your time) as this is a classic technique used by time travelers that aren’t idiots.
  • Bad reason 2: You pooped your pants I’m assuming you are an adult, and therefore you should be able to keep that (literal) shit under control. I’m not saying you should go to work poopy-pantsed, but if this is a possibility then you need to at least prepare a backup plan.
  • Good reason 3: Somebody else pooped your pants Just explain what happened. No boss will ever call you on it.
  • Bad reason 3: The Price is Right is on / You don’t want to miss your stories Shitty daytime TV is one of the worst things about being unemployed. If you finally got a job and are missing these shows, that’s just Stockholm Syndrome. It’ll pass.
  • Good reason 4: You are sick Without looking, I am positive the other article thought it needed to include this point. That’s how dumb clickbaiters think you are.
  • Bad reason 4: You want to see if your boss was serious about the “final warning” she gave you the other day She is.
  • Good reason 5: There is a real lion in your house, and animal control has no idea what to do “Okay, good luck. Try not to get mauled… are you sure you can’t come in for at least a half day?” -Your boss, if you work in retail.
  • Bad reason 5: You have to drop off a large sum of money, all cash, so a guy you met in the past week can use it to exploit some sort of advantage at a casino and win big. He will then meet up with you later and drop off the money. You have to do it TODAY or the casino might notice their error and it will be too late This is a fairly common long con. They are going to steal your money, and you are going to feel like a dumbass. Haven’t you seen The Sting? This is basically the plot of that movie.
  • Good reason 6: You just found out that Adolph Hitler was your grandfather I’d want to skip work if this happened to me. Your boss will understand that you are going through some heavy stuff.
  • Bad reason 6: Your dog ate your homework Nobody cares.
  • Good reason 7: Godzilla or some other monster is destroying your city Unless you are in the military, an emergency responder, or a real journalist, your office is probably closed anyway.
  • Bad reason 7: You were fired yesterday No, they don’t want to hear from you. They already know you aren’t coming in.

I left off one reason that I decided fits both categories: Calling in sick because you want to read Jeremy’s stupid clickbait articles. I’m flattered, but you shouldn’t lose your job over my nonsense. Besides, you could just read them while at work. That’s what everyone else is doing.

Jeremy Hellwig is an award winning person and a writer for the website you are currently looking at. Follow him on Twitter, listen to his podcast, and go see him perform standup.


Originally published at comedyinthelou.com on July 15, 2014.

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