Woman Wears Bad Outfit, Is Bad
Yesterday a famous woman was seen at a public place wearing a bad outfit. This means she is a bad person. The star, previously thought to have a strong sense for fashion, and therefore value as a human, was allegedly out and about just minding her own business. Shame on her.
“I’m disgusted,” remarked one onlooker. “It was bad and now I feel bad after seeing it. She should feel even worse for wearing it.” Another witness shared that, upon seeing the bad outfit, she “almost threw up.” If only she had shown less restraint and sprayed vomit onto the bad outfit. By all accounts, this would have improved the look significantly. That’s how bad it was.
Some have expressed concern that the bad outfit might have been part of a terrorist plot to make us all feel bad. This is a likely scenario. However, one Hollywood publicist has brought to light an even greater threat: the famous woman’s value may have suffered so much damage that others will no longer be able to profit off her movies or music or whatever she does. This would, in no uncertain terms, be a disaster. This woman’s choice to wear a bad outfit might cost hundreds of people their jobs. This is entirely her fault, and everyone justifiably hates her for it.
She will have an especially difficult time convincing the American public that she is not the absolute worst now that photographs of the bad outfit have made it online. As we all know, photographs of celebrities are rare and highly treasured by people from all walks of life. Bad outfits are almost unheard of, and everyone’s mind has been blown.
President Obama is expected to make a statement on the bad outfit, worn by the bad woman, later today. Republicans have accused the president of not acting soon enough. Even Democratic allies have turned on the president, pressured by constituents that saw the bad outfit and are now afraid to leave their homes.
It appears as though the president has very few options. Of course the bad woman in the bad outfit will see trial, but many have been clamoring for an extrajudicial drone strike on her apartment. Others want the entire clothing industry shut down until regulations can be put in place to prevent bad outfits in the future. Alas, these are temporary fixes at best. Behind closed doors, most Washington insiders agree that there is only one possible answer: thermonuclear annihilation of the entire human race.
President Obama is unlikely to have the guts to take such action. Some have even accused him of sympathizing with the bad outfit, pointing out that he has been seen in unflattering dad-khakis on multiple occasions. That was kind of bad, but this new outfit is really bad. I mean, have you seen it? It’s bad.