Trumphemian Rhapsody

Jeremy Fassler
Jul 28, 2017 · 3 min read

FADE IN:

(HILLARY CLINTON, backed up by ROBBY MOOK, NEERA TANDEN and HUMA ABEDIN.)

ALL FOUR
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Won in a landslide
Lost the Midwest to treachery…
Open your eyes,
And see his red tie
And weep…

HILLARY
I should have won this
Everyone said I would…

ALL FOUR
Except for
DNC
Russian foes
WikiLeaks
BernieBros!

HILLARY
Any stolen email
Doesn’t really matter to me…
To me…

(Piano solo, played by BILL CLINTON.)

FADE IN:

(A despondent DONALD TRUMP in the Oval Office)

TRUMP
Putin,
Just stole a race
Blamed the Mexicans and Jews
Called the media “fake news”
Putin,
Now I’m six months in
And Mueller’s gonna throw it all away!
Putin!
Oooooooooh…
I don’t want to lose
If I can’t find a way around these sanctions,
Not my fault, not my fault,
Just blame it on her emails…

Too late, my time has come
Sean Spicer’s just resigned,
Michael Flynn can’t be confined
Goodbye, Mr. Sessions,
You’ve got to go
Gotta get someone who says he won’t recuse!
Putin!
Ooooooooh!

BACKUP
Stolen emails…

TRUMP
I don’t want to lose!
I thought that you would all get sick of winning!

(Electric guitar riff as Trump stares at the two buttons on his desk — the coke button and the nuclear button with a large hand outline on it that says “Hand must be this big to push. He kicks the desk in anger and sends Coke bottles falling on him.)

CUT TO:

(The West Wing.)

REINCE PRIEBUS
I see a little silhouetto of a man

ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI
Scara-mooch!
Scara-mooch!
Reince is useless and schizo!

THE STAFF
Thunderbolts and lightning!
Very, very frightening,
LEAKS!

STAFFER ONE
Russian pee-pee!

STAFFER TWO
Russian pee-pee!

STAFFER THREE
Russian pee-pee!

STAFFER FOUR
Russian pee-pee!

ALL FOUR
IS IT REAL OR IS IT FAKE?

REX TILLERSON (holding up a box of Trump Steaks)
Let’s have a steak!

ERIC TRUMP
I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

DONALD JR./IVANKA
He’s just a poor boy, from a poor family!

JR./IVANKA/ERIC
We’re not as rich as we want you to think!

CUT TO:

(The Senate floor, Mitch McConnell and the Democrats presiding.)

MITCH MCCONNELL
Voting time
Time to vote!
Can I have a vote?

THE DEMOCRATS
A-C-A!
No!
We will not let you vote!

MCCONNELL
Let me vote!

DEMOCRATS
A-C-A!
We will not let you vote!

MCCONNELL
Let me vote!

DEMOCRATS
A-C-A!
We will not let you vote!

MCCONNELL
Let me vote!

DEMOCRATS
Will not let you vote!

MCCONNELL
Let me vote!

DEMOCRATS
Will not let you vote —

JOHN MCCAIN
NO!
NO!
NO!
NO!
NO!
NO!
NO!

PAUL RYAN
Oh mamma mia!
Mamma mia!

DEMOCRATS
Mamma mia let him go!
Does anyone
Know how long till 2018…
18…
18…

CUT TO:

(ELIZABETH WARREN rocking out on electric guitar in a band with KAMALA HARRIS as lead singer, DIANNE FEINSTEIN on bass and MAXINE WATERS on drums.)

KAMALA
So they say go away in our pink pussy hats?
So they think The Resistance is just Democrats?

(She’s joined by LISA MURKOWSKI and SUSAN COLLINS)

ALL THREE
Oooooh, baby
Can’t do this to us baby!
Just gotta get him out!
Just gotta get him right outta here!

(Guitar riff finishes, bleeding into the outro, as flashing images of crying Republicans, Comey testifying, and people protesting plays.)

FADE IN:

(Hillary sitting on top of Bill’s piano.)

HILLARY
Nothing really matters,
Read my book and see
Bitch, I fucking warned you
You all should have voted
For me…

(Piano leads into the final chords)

ALL
Any stolen email…

(Final gong is heard. Lights go up on set as everyone wraps. JARED KUSHNER runs on.)

JARED (who sounds exactly like Sylvester the Cat.)
Sufferin’ Socatash! I missed the shoot! Can we go back and film my solo?

ALL
SHUT UP, JARED!

Jeremy Fassler
Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade